It's Friday, tell me a joke

[McLOT]

England v USA Highlights (in Lego)

LEGOOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!!!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUnU3...ure=popt00us00


cheers,
McLot

[Sushi Boy]

A fellow was talking to his buddy, when he said, ‘I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.’

His buddy said, ‘I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!’

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, ‘Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?’

‘She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the cheek, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.’

[ReefHound]

Reminds me of a joke I heard from a female stand up comedian:

Ladies, you wanna know how to make your husband literally scream while you're having sex?

Call him up and tell him who you're with...

[infamousham]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.

[Sushi Boy]

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.

He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she orders almost everything expensive on the menu, appetizers, lobster, champagne... the works.

Finally he asks her, ‘Does your mother feed you like this at home?’

‘No,’ she says, ‘but my mother's not looking to get laid, either.’

[McLOT]

The [English] Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’
Total, fcuk and UPS in joint sponsorship deal with England football team

The announcement followed the news that Nationwide building society would be ending its sponsorship of the national side after the FA rejected its pre-World Cup offer of a new £20m deal. ‘Not so f**king cocky now, are you?’ said Nationwide in a prepared statement yesterday, before respectfully suggesting that the FA ‘shoved its sponsorship deal right up its @rse’. Pundits noted that if the FA followed Nationwide’s advice, it would be the second time in a fortnight that England had been laid wide open at the back.

The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate.

The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’

[McLOT]

Wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....


..... Apparently he's dead now ....but he died a legend!!!

[Captain HardHead]

One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 lasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

Of course, too much water may have strange side effects.

..

[McLOT]

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.
- No questions asked or answers given.
- Have I made myself clear?
- Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely and re-iterates his concern that he should not go into the field.

"See this badge? The officer shouts again.

"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, anywhere.
- No questions asked.
- Now Have I made myself clear?
- Do You Understand? "

The rancher nods again and goes about his business.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The DEA officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your BADGE, Show him your BADGE!!!! "

[aggiediver]

LMAO!

Originally Posted by McLOT

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.
- No questions asked or answers given.
- Have I made myself clear?
- Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely and re-iterates his concern that he should not go into the field.

"See this badge? The officer shouts again.

"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, anywhere.
- No questions asked.
- Now Have I made myself clear?
- Do You Understand? "

The rancher nods again and goes about his business.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The DEA officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your BADGE, Show him your BADGE!!!! "