It's Friday, tell me a joke

[infamousham]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

[outback]

'The car in front is a Toyota’.

It’s the one behind me I’m worried about.

[divingmedic]

Originally Posted by outback

'The car in front is a Toyota’.

It’s the one behind me I’m worried about.

Only if you are driving a Ford Pinto.

[ReefHound]

Originally Posted by divingmedic

Only if you are driving a Ford Pinto.

Now you're showing your age.

[Ice_diver]

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because

it makes football make sense! A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first

football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After

the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she

replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just

couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a

coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept

screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm

like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[Sushi Boy]

The New Orleans Saints Super bowl Drinking Game


1. Every time they mention hurricane Katrina, drink 1
2. If they show pictures of the City of New Orleans right after Katrina, drink 1
3. Every time they say how much the Saints mean to the City of New Orleans, drink 1
4. Every time the words “tragedy”, “flood”, or “devastation” are used, drink 1
5. Every time they talk about how good Reggie Bush was in college, drink 3
6. If they show Kim Kardashian in the stands, drink 5
7. Every time they show a picture of Reggie Bush with a bat or say “bringing the wood” drink for 5 seconds.
8. Every time Reggie Bush gets negative yardage trying to run around in the backfield a bunch and outrun the defense, drink 1 and turn to the person next to you and say “I told you Vince Young should have won the Heisman”
9. Every time Reggie Bush gets up and flexes his arms in that pose he likes to do, drink 1
10. If they mention Tim Tebow for any reason, funnel a beer
11. Every time they say that “it’s destiny for the Saints to win” drink 1
12. If they show footage of Katrina survivors at the Superdome, take a shot of cheap liquor
13. If they call Saints fans the most passionate fans in football, drink 1
14. If they say that the Saints, Saints fans, or the City of New Orleans “deserve” a Superbowl victory, drink 1
15. Every time they say how good of a story the Saints are, drink 1
16. If Jeremy Shockey pretends to be hurt after dropping a pass, drink 2
17. If they mention the Saints beating the Falcons in 2006 in the first game after Katrina in the Superdome, drink 5.
18. Every time they compare hurricane Katrina to the Haiti earthquake, funnel a beer and yell “bullshit!”
19. Every time they mention Drew Brees as the Mardi Gras king, drink
20. Every time they show Archie Manning, drink 1, and mention how bad he sucked. If they show old footage of him on the Saints, drink 5. If they mention how tough of a decision it was for him as for whom to cheer for, drink 10.
21. Every time they show a saints fan yelling "Who dat!" Or a sign/shirt saying the same, drink 1.
22. If they show Chris Paul at the game, drink 1 and mention to someone how much better he is than Marvin Williams.
23. If they show former Mayor Ray Nagin, drink 5 and then punch someone in the face



Other Rules not involving the Saints:
1. Every time they show Eli Manning in the press box, drink 1
2. Every time Pierre Garcon is mentioned with Haiti, drink 1
3. If Brett Favre is mentioned for any reason, drink 1

[ReefHound]

You won't make it out of the first quarter, dude. And if they show Kim Kardashian I might just freeze frame it and leave it there the rest of the night.

[dutch]

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[outback]

Saw these guys on Saturday night. Good stuff.

9 mins long but could be the new CHUM theme song.....

[Peacholica]

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home", says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties off" "I know the feeling" the other says. "NO, I'm serious", says the first. They're killing me."