Hump Day Humor

[Captain HardHead]

Just one of those funny email movies you get.

Boat Ride

..

[Captain HardHead]

Maybe I was wrong about GW,

[Captain HardHead]

I couldn't resist.

[Sushi Boy]

The editor of a small weekly newspaper, in rage over several congressional bills that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: "HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS." Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: "HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS."

[Captain HardHead]

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.

"No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".

[thermo]

It must be a good spot for us.

[driftdiver]

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little town
> in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred
> Hitchcock tale, it's real.
>
> This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a
> real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
> no cars went by.
>
> It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his
> face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
> ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and
> stopped.
>
> Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door;
> only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
> sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept
> slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping
> out and running.
>
> The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too
> scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was
> sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would
> surely drown!
>
> But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
> window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
> car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
> disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
>
> Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
> reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
> could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
>
> Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
> shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
>
> A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the
> guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
>
> About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
> the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we
> wuz pushin it in de rain."
>

[Captain HardHead]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations ?


..

[Sushi Boy]

Martinis, my girl, are deceiving:
Take two at the very most.
Take three and you're under the table.
Take four and you're under the host.

[Sushi Boy]

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with
that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw
them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the
couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something
in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave
me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really
come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family
room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are
*not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has watched a horror movie.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the
top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important
adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

If I must claw my human I will l not do it in such a way that the scars
resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more
socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty.