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It's Friday, tell me a joke

Discussion in 'Mind-less Babel' started by Sushi Boy, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    I was in Cozumel watching a local street magician perform in the square.

    He told us he would disappear on the count of three.

    He said, "uno...dos..." and then poof.

    He vanished without a tres.
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  2. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

    The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be six dollars."

    The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

    "Sorry, bud," the bartender says, "I can't accept that."

    The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.

    "What's going on here?" the man asks.

    Drying a glass, the bartender looks up and says, "Didn't you see the sign out front, pal? This is a singles bar."
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  3. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "A pint of blood, please."

    The second one says, "I vill have the same."

    The third one says, "Just a glass of plasma for me."

    The bartender says, "So, that'll be two bloods and a blood lite?"
     
  4. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it in midair, and handed it back.

    “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, followed by drinks at the bar next door. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

    After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible.

    “You know,” he said, “you’re the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

    “No,” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
     
  5. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    How can you tell you're surfing the web in Alabama?

    Eharmony and Ancestry.com are the same website.
     
    Heidi Ho, dutch and DivingDoug like this.
  6. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, NO!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My ROLEX!"
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  7. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician are asked whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress. The doctor replies that it is better to have a wife because having a mistress is too stressful - it’s bad for the heart. The lawyer says that it’s much better to have a mistress because a wife has too many legal rights to a share of your property and so on.

    The mathematician thinks for a long time and then says "I really can’t do without both - I need a wife AND a mistress. That way my wife will think I’m with my mistress and my mistress will think I’m with my wife, and I can spend my time doing math."
     
    DivingDoug likes this.
  8. watermonkee

    watermonkee CHUM Secretary Staff Member

    On a doctor visit in Jane's final weeks of pregnancy, the obstetrician describes an experimental procedure. In this procedure, Jane's pain would be transferred to the baby's father using a revolutionary technology. The doctor would be able to adjust the rate of pain transfer from Jane to her husband, John.

    John, being a good husband, is completely on board, and of course, so is Jane.

    In the labor and delivery room, when Jane is in the throes of labor, the doctor begins the experiment. He starts at the lowest setting. John doesn't feel a thing, but Jane feels less pain. The doctor slowly increases the pain transfer rate until it is at the maximum rate, and John never feels a thing. Jane feels no pain at all, as if nothing is happening.

    The doctor declares a medical miracle, and John and Jane are happy to return home with their new baby, where they find the postman dead on the porch.
     
    ReefHound and PegLeg like this.
  9. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Two newlyweds come back from their honeymoon and start their first week as a married couple at home. On Wednesday, the wife asks her husband, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

    “I’m going to pull a Jesus,” the husband replies.

    Surprised, the wife inquires, “Oh, what does that mean?”

    Chuckling, the husband says, “I'll disappear on Friday and then reappear on Monday!”

    On hearing that the wife retorts, “Sure thing. I'll tell you what. Go ahead and do that. I’ll do a Mary."

    "What's a Mary?" the puzzled husband asks.

    "Turn up pregnant, untouched by my husband.”

    The man stayed home.
     
    dutch likes this.
  10. dutch

    dutch Active Member

    A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as pro football player.
    They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

    They start to kiss and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that
    says REEBOK.

    "What's that for?" the lady questions.

    "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok
    pays me."

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

    'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

    "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
    Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

    The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

    The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!


    It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
     

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