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It's Friday, tell me a joke

Discussion in 'Mind-less Babel' started by Sushi Boy, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    I was in Cozumel watching a local street magician perform in the square.

    He told us he would disappear on the count of three.

    He said, "uno...dos..." and then poof.

    He vanished without a tres.
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  2. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

    The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be six dollars."

    The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

    "Sorry, bud," the bartender says, "I can't accept that."

    The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.

    "What's going on here?" the man asks.

    Drying a glass, the bartender looks up and says, "Didn't you see the sign out front, pal? This is a singles bar."
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  3. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "A pint of blood, please."

    The second one says, "I vill have the same."

    The third one says, "Just a glass of plasma for me."

    The bartender says, "So, that'll be two bloods and a blood lite?"
     
  4. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it in midair, and handed it back.

    “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

    They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, followed by drinks at the bar next door. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

    After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooked a gourmet breakfast. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible.

    “You know,” he said, “you’re the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

    “No,” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
     
  5. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    How can you tell you're surfing the web in Alabama?

    Eharmony and Ancestry.com are the same website.
     
    Heidi Ho, dutch and DivingDoug like this.
  6. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, NO!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My ROLEX!"
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  7. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician are asked whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress. The doctor replies that it is better to have a wife because having a mistress is too stressful - it’s bad for the heart. The lawyer says that it’s much better to have a mistress because a wife has too many legal rights to a share of your property and so on.

    The mathematician thinks for a long time and then says "I really can’t do without both - I need a wife AND a mistress. That way my wife will think I’m with my mistress and my mistress will think I’m with my wife, and I can spend my time doing math."
     
    DivingDoug likes this.
  8. watermonkee

    watermonkee CHUM Secretary Staff Member

    On a doctor visit in Jane's final weeks of pregnancy, the obstetrician describes an experimental procedure. In this procedure, Jane's pain would be transferred to the baby's father using a revolutionary technology. The doctor would be able to adjust the rate of pain transfer from Jane to her husband, John.

    John, being a good husband, is completely on board, and of course, so is Jane.

    In the labor and delivery room, when Jane is in the throes of labor, the doctor begins the experiment. He starts at the lowest setting. John doesn't feel a thing, but Jane feels less pain. The doctor slowly increases the pain transfer rate until it is at the maximum rate, and John never feels a thing. Jane feels no pain at all, as if nothing is happening.

    The doctor declares a medical miracle, and John and Jane are happy to return home with their new baby, where they find the postman dead on the porch.
     
    ReefHound and PegLeg like this.
  9. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Two newlyweds come back from their honeymoon and start their first week as a married couple at home. On Wednesday, the wife asks her husband, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

    “I’m going to pull a Jesus,” the husband replies.

    Surprised, the wife inquires, “Oh, what does that mean?”

    Chuckling, the husband says, “I'll disappear on Friday and then reappear on Monday!”

    On hearing that the wife retorts, “Sure thing. I'll tell you what. Go ahead and do that. I’ll do a Mary."

    "What's a Mary?" the puzzled husband asks.

    "Turn up pregnant, untouched by my husband.”

    The man stayed home.
     
    dutch likes this.
  10. dutch

    dutch Active Member

    A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as pro football player.
    They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

    They start to kiss and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that
    says REEBOK.

    "What's that for?" the lady questions.

    "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok
    pays me."

    Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

    'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

    "Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
    Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis, he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

    The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

    The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!


    It will say ADIDAS in a minute.
     
  11. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

    She seductively signaled for him to bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    "Actually, no," he replied.

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid he's not here," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What...what...w-w-what should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

    "Tell him," she whispered,"there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
     
    DivingDoug likes this.
  12. Ms KJenn Dives

    Ms KJenn Dives veep Staff Member

    Ugh....
    Definitely reminds me to pack Purell & Kleenex for this weekend's Free Press Summer Fest.
     
    Sushi Boy likes this.
  13. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson beers, draft please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England," says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the pubs, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
     
    Cajun Diver and DivingDoug like this.
  14. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    How did the hipster burn his mouth?

    He ate the pizza before it was cool.
     
  15. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She’s down to her last $20. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

    A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” Then he strolls away.

    Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion back at the roulette table. Maybe she'd won. He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady's lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

    The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

    The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted.”
     
    dutch, Diver_T and Cajun Diver like this.
  16. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

    Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

    Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper grabbed his mic, turned on the car's bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

    Rolling down her window, the blonde yelled back, "NO, IT'S A SCARF!"
     
    Diver_T likes this.
  17. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A therapist has a theory that couples who make love regularly are the happiest. He tests his theory at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.

    “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.

    “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up.

    Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

    One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this contradicts his theory.

    “Sir, if you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

    Smiling, the man yells, “Today’s the day!”
     
  18. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector phoned his client. He said, "Jim, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first.” The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
     
    DivingDoug, Diver_T and Cajun Diver like this.
  19. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Hey, are they relatives of yours?”

    “Indeed,” his wife replied. “In-laws.”
     
    Cajun Diver likes this.
  20. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

    “Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

    “I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

    “Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

    “Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten.”
     
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.

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