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It's Friday, tell me a joke

Discussion in 'Mind-less Babel' started by Sushi Boy, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    One day, as a man was finishing his annual physical, the doctor looked at him and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”

    “Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

    “That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

    “Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
    Cajun Diver and Ms KJenn Dives like this.
  2. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A young British speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Support Group”. She’d tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No one was improving.

    Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without flutter, the name of the town where you were born, I’ll have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

    The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

    "That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

    The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

    “That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

    “How about you, Paddy?”

    The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London."

    “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. It was a sight to see. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy inhaled and said,

    dutch likes this.
  3. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A blonde was trying to buy a nice pair of alligator shoes but was having trouble finding just the right fit. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shoe shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!"

    The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?"

    The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

    He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

    Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

    Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration: "DAMMIT!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  4. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

    First, she called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

    "Well that's very close, Michael," replied the teacher. "You used 'beautiful' and then 'beautifully.'"

    She then called on Suzie, saying, " Can you use 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice?"

    Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

    "Excellent, Suzie!"

    Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny, who replied, "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just freakin' beautiful!'"
    Cajun Diver likes this.
  5. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    How do you measure the quality of my puns?

    With a sighsmograph!
    Siren and Diver_T like this.
  6. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

    “Oh, Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to cut a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch.”

    “Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend. “What did you do?”

    “I had to open a can of peas instead.”
    Ms KJenn Dives and Heidi Ho like this.
  7. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia.

    She whispered, "They're right behind you."
    dutch, Cajun Diver and Heidi Ho like this.
  8. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    When does a joke become a dad joke?

    When the punchline becomes apparent.
    Ms KJenn Dives likes this.
  9. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

    Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

    After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.

    After some time the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to?”

    Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the rabbi, “I’m sorry, rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

    The rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and said, “You’d better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago.”
    dutch likes this.
  10. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    I've been reflecting on my past relationships recently. I decided to use some of the tools I learned in school to help make sense of it all.

    The first thing I did was plot all of them on a graph. It has and Ex axis and a Why axis.
  11. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?

    Because all proper tea is theft.
  12. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender, “Drinks for everyone on me, including you, bartender.”

    The bartender follows the man's orders then says, “That'll be $86.50 please.”

    The drunk says he has no money, so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

    The next night, the same drunk comes in again, orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

    On the third night the drunk comes in and orders drinks for all except the bartender.

    “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.

    “Geez, no," says the drunk, pointing at the bartender. "You get violent when you drink.”
    dutch likes this.
  13. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

    Call Now!

    Call Now.jpg
    Siren, Heidi Ho and Sushi Boy like this.
  14. Siren

    Siren Tiger Shark

    What did the Zero say to the Eight?

    Nice belt.
    Sushi Boy likes this.
  15. 24%

    24% Tiger Shark

    What is a sea monster's favorite snack?

    Ships and dip.
    Sushi Boy and Siren like this.
  16. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years, but he was curious what would have happened if he'd accidentally swallowed the little ball.

    The barber replies, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
    DivingDoug likes this.
  17. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

  18. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Science has found that dolphins call each other by name.

    Here are the most popular dolphin names in 2017:
    1. EE E EEEEEE
    2. EEEEE
    3. E EEE
    5. Robert
    Cajun Diver likes this.
  19. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his long hair, his tattoos, his piercings.

    Later the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

    “Oh please, Mom,” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
  20. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Scientists have now grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.

    The results speak for themselves.
    dutch likes this.

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