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It's Friday, tell me a joke

Discussion in 'Mind-less Babel' started by Sushi Boy, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. dutch

    dutch Active Member

    Sex is just like riding a bike; it's polite to ring a bell to let people know you're coming.
    Heidi Ho likes this.
  2. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark


    It's on the internet so it must be true.
    watermonkee, PegLeg and Sushi Boy like this.
  3. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few days after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

    So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

    Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so we can make passionate love!"

    She kissed him, put her hand on his chest and said, "Slow down there, sailor. First let's see you play that harmonica."
  4. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

    Enjoying my Friday off...............


    Personal Development Courses

    D110 Creative Suffering
    D120 Overcoming Peace of Mind
    D130 Ego Gratification through Non-violence
    D140 Whine Your Way to Alienation
    D150 Creep Your Way to Promotion
    D160 Feigning Knowledge – A Career Advancement Strategy
    D170 Carrying Paper while Walking Briskly
    D180 Keeping Facts out of the Management Structure
    D190 Effective Stupidity
    D210 How to Appear Interested (Prerequisite for D160)
    D220 How to Create Problems
    D230 Planning without Forethought (Senior Executives only)
    D245 Dumb Insolence – A Practitioner's Guide
    D250 Speed-reading without Comprehension
    D260 Agreeing with the Boss – Includes Practical Exercises in Nodding with an Understanding Look

    Business and Career Development Courses

    C115 Misunderstanding Abbreviations – A Beginner's Guide
    C125 Prominence Through Underachievements
    C135 Making Purchases with Someone Else's Purchasing Card
    C145 Instilling Panic in Others (to be taken in conjunction with D230)
    C155 Indecision – Which Way Now?
    C165 Backstabbing – An Introduction
    C166 Vexatious Complaints – A beginner's guide
    C167 Sniping your way to the top (Prerequisite for C165 and C166)


    E177 It Wasn't Me! – A Guide to Blame
    E186 Cover My Back – How to Drag Friends in on Your Mistakes
    E189 I'm Sick – How to Call in with a Convincingly Croaky Voice
    E193 It's Not My Job! – An Introduction in how to Get Others to do Your Work

    Heath and Safety Courses

    H217 How to De-dandruff Your Keyboard
    H250 Developing Eye Strain
    H350 How to Continue to Lift Incorrectly – Annual Requirement and Prerequisite for H422)
    H422 Industrial Injury – The Way to Long-term Leave with Pay
    H501 How to Defrost the Office Fridge
    PegLeg, DivingDoug and Sushi Boy like this.
  5. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
    Siren and DivingDoug like this.
  6. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A woman went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen.

    Seeing the beautiful woman, the cowboy offered her a drink and they started talking. After a while, the woman built up some confidence and asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet.

    The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is. Why don’t you come home with me and let me prove it to ya?”

    Her curiosity piqued, she left and spent the night with him.

    The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

    Blushing, he said, “Well gawleee, ma’am. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. Ah’m real flattered.”

    “Don’t be," she replied. "Take it and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
    DivingDoug likes this.
  7. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer, but they're having trouble agreeing on which will open the show and which will be the headliner. Watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who's on first.
    dutch likes this.
  8. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    While they were taking up the collection during church service, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"

    "Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

    Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, to the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

    "Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

    Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"

    "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"

    Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

    "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?"

    "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.

    Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a u-turn right then and there across the median and everything and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.

    The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.

    "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.

    He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing," said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

    Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them.... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
    dutch likes this.
  9. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

    Life is hard.

    Sushi Boy likes this.
  10. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Jokes about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
    DivingDoug, Siren and Heidi Ho like this.
  11. Seaagg05

    Seaagg05 Vice President Staff Member

    I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger and asked “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

    I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.
    Ms KJenn Dives, dutch and Sushi Boy like this.
  12. jeffh

    jeffh <insert something funny here>

    A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

    The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

    The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

    Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment

    Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

    The social workers were finally satisfied.

    They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

    "It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
  13. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

    It's the World Cup!
    Spotted at London airport earlier this week.

    England WC.jpg
    dutch, jeffh and Sushi Boy like this.
  14. dutch

    dutch Active Member

    In the "Day Late Dollar Short" department, here I am.

    Stephen Colbert announced on his show last night that the Guinness Book of Records attempt for the world's largest orgy failed recently. It seems not enough people came.
  15. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jodi. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

    “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jodi, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”

    “All of it?” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

    “No!” Jodi exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

    Helen answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

    Jodi computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

    “Two and a half carats.”
  16. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “is this stool taken?”
  17. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

  18. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

    World Cup 2018. The awful spectre has been lifted so we can enjoy the Final on Sunday. :p

    jeffh likes this.
  19. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    Since I missed Wednesday....

    A woman walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

    The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

    The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw you and me in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police.

    The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
    Jen likes this.
  20. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Three great religious truths:
    1. Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    3. Baptists don't recognize each other at the liquor store.
    Jen and McLOT like this.

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