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It's Friday, tell me a joke

Discussion in 'Mind-less Babel' started by Sushi Boy, Jan 27, 2006.

  1. ScubaKitty

    ScubaKitty Tiger Shark

    Happy Friday
     

    Attached Files:

  2. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    How does a flat Earth believer travel the world?

    On a plane.
     
    Siren likes this.
  3. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

    The Brexit train-wreck continues to <ahem> unfold.


    Brexit.jpg
     
  4. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

  5. ReefHound

    ReefHound CHUM President Staff Member

    A diver was shipwrecked up onto a lonely and tropical shore. As he stood up he noticed his hands were purple, he looked at his feet and they were purple, worriedly he unzipped his wetsuit and his chest and stomach were purple. With his head in his hands he cried, "Oh my God!, I've been marooned!"
     
    Sushi Boy likes this.
  6. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”

    The jury foreman replied, “Oh, yes sir, we did indeed all look. But your client didn’t.”
     
  7. ScubaKitty

    ScubaKitty Tiger Shark

  8. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

    After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

    A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

    Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

    A grandson who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

    Grandma took out her little note pad and slowly wrote a note to the boy,

    “They...



    won’t ...



    let...



    me..



    fart.”
     
    jeffh and Lakediver like this.
  9. McLOT

    McLOT Tiger Shark

  10. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

    After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

    So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Jake's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

    This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

    So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Jake's and have a drink with me?"

    A little voice came out of the box: "For God's sake, quit yelling. I heard you the first time! I'm still putting on my shoes!!"
     
  11. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Three nuns were attending a Yankees baseball game. Behind them sat three men. Because the nuns’ habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to pester the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.

    In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there.”

    Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, “I want to move to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.”

    The third guy yelled, “I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.”

    The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any nuns there.”
     
  12. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Nobody quite knows how the fire started at Notre Dame, but Quasimodo has a hunch.
     
    Lakediver and DeepGeek like this.
  13. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

    “And what will your third wish be?” asked the genie.

    The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”

    “You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.”

    “Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.”

    “Funny, that was your first wish too,” said the genie as it granted his wish and then disappeared forever.
     
    Lakediver likes this.
  14. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

    The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”

    A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

    Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

    Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
     
    Lakediver and PegLeg like this.
  15. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.

    It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before. Rather than ask, the captain strolled in one day unannounced and stood in the back of the room listening to Jones’s sales pitch.

    Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they're going to send into battle first?”
     
  16. Sushi Boy

    Sushi Boy DAM CHUMmer

    Did you know that if your parachute doesn't deploy while skydiving, you have the rest of your life to try to fix it?
     

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