-
Two for the Price of One
Join us for 3rd Thurs With CHUM on June 18st at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT at Jake's Sports Bar or Zoom. We will be joined by Jenny Stock from NOAA's Greater Farallones and Cordell Bank National Marine Sanctuaries! More details at this link. -
2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
-
Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
-
For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
-
CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
-
Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
-
Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
-
Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man is visiting his elderly father at a senior living facility and they sit down to have dinner. A nurse is standing behind the old man and after a bit, he begins to lean way over to the right. The nurse jumps over and pushes him straight up in his seat. He then begins to lean way over to his left and again, the nurse jumps over and straightens the old man out. This happens a few more times during the meal and the visiting son isn't sure what's going on but eventually asks his dad, 'so, how do you like living here?'
The old man says 'it's fine, the food's okay. But they won't let you fart.'
The old man says 'it's fine, the food's okay. But they won't let you fart.'
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper and before leaving, she says to the clerk 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32' is the reply.
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra - then and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra - then and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”
- First Name
- Marci
A priest, a mullah and a rabbit went into a blood donation center. The rabbit said, "I'm a type-O."
Siren
Tiger Shark
- First Name
- Amanda
I just laughed SO hard. This has been elevated to one of my favorites ever!
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him.
She comes over and says hi to him.
He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?”
She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
She comes over and says hi to him.
He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do you know me?”
She replies, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
The guy’s mind is whirring now and it travels back to the only time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife. He asks the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly replies, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man went to a doctor because he'd been suffering from severe headaches for years and years.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need ... a new suit.”
He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see ... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see ... size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. “You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need ... a new suit.”
He entered the shop and said, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see ... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe was on a roll. “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16 ½ neck.” Joe said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.” The salesman said, “Let’s see ... size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you, I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”
Last edited:
