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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
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Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
Tom worked at the saw mill, and one day had an unfortunate accident; while reaching for a branch, the machine caught his pants and pulled his crotch towards the blade of the machine, cleanly severing off his manhood.
After being rushed to the hospital and stabilized, Tom was given the astounding news by his doctor that while they could not reattach his pecker, due to advances in modern medicine, they COULD replace it with the trunk of a baby elephant. Not ideal, but he figured that'd be better than nothing, so had the procedure done. He was too embarrassed to tell anyone, and just let his friends know he was all fixed up and good as new.
A few weeks later, Tom was at dinner with some of his friends. After everyone took their places, they passed around the dinner rolls. When the basket got to Tom, suddenly a small elephant trunk shot out from under the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared. Luckily most of his friends didn't see it, but a few of them did. Confused by what they thought they saw, they didn't say anything.
Seconds later it happened again! A tiny elephant trunk shot out from under the table, grabbed a dinner roll and disappeared again. This time all the friends saw it, and everyone demanded to know what the hell was going on. Reluctantly, Tom let them know about his experimental procedure. All his friends were super impressed, and wanted to see Tom perform that little trick again.
He replied, "I can't really control it, besides there's no way I could fit a third roll up my butt!!"
After being rushed to the hospital and stabilized, Tom was given the astounding news by his doctor that while they could not reattach his pecker, due to advances in modern medicine, they COULD replace it with the trunk of a baby elephant. Not ideal, but he figured that'd be better than nothing, so had the procedure done. He was too embarrassed to tell anyone, and just let his friends know he was all fixed up and good as new.
A few weeks later, Tom was at dinner with some of his friends. After everyone took their places, they passed around the dinner rolls. When the basket got to Tom, suddenly a small elephant trunk shot out from under the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared. Luckily most of his friends didn't see it, but a few of them did. Confused by what they thought they saw, they didn't say anything.
Seconds later it happened again! A tiny elephant trunk shot out from under the table, grabbed a dinner roll and disappeared again. This time all the friends saw it, and everyone demanded to know what the hell was going on. Reluctantly, Tom let them know about his experimental procedure. All his friends were super impressed, and wanted to see Tom perform that little trick again.
He replied, "I can't really control it, besides there's no way I could fit a third roll up my butt!!"
DiverGent
Tiger Shark
- First Name
- Gary
I know it's not what I'm supposed to get from this joke... but what I find most amusing is the idea that a spare baby elephant trunk was laying around, available for use.
I mean, what conversation between a doctor and the organ donation place goes "No, we don't have one of those but we've got this baby elephant trunk that just arrived".
And just to throw on some obscure references, what would Henry Mancini have to say about this joke? (Not to mention John Wayne).
I mean, what conversation between a doctor and the organ donation place goes "No, we don't have one of those but we've got this baby elephant trunk that just arrived".
And just to throw on some obscure references, what would Henry Mancini have to say about this joke? (Not to mention John Wayne).
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
General Custer is fighting on the frontier. For days he tracks his foe over open country when, finally, his forward scouts report a massing of Sioux over the next hill. With battle finally upon him, Custer knows that he has a short time to prepare his men before they fight.
"Men, tomorrow we go up against the enemy. You may be afraid, but fear not - tomorrow morning I shall lay on such a breakfast as you have never seen: eggs, bacon, pancakes, the lot. With a breakfast like that, our victory is assured."
But after Custer finishes with this rousing speech, one of his lieutenants pulls him aside:
"I love the idea, Sir, there's just one slight problem. We ran out of bacon yesterday."
"What? But how can we mount a successful cavalry assault without a bacon breakfast? It would be insanity. We'll be slaughtered for sure."
Shaken but still determined, Custer tries to think of a solution.
"Ah! I have it! Five or so miles back, I do believe I spied a glade of bacon trees. Send out our fastest scout and have him gather a satchel of fresh bacon. Alert the cooks that bacon will be here within the hour!"
The scout is duly dispatched, but after an hour there is still no sign of him. Another hour passes, then two.
Finally, just as the weary sun kisses the horizon, it reveals the silhouette of a horse and rider in the distance, the horse slowly walking towards camp.
As the horse gets nearer, it becomes clear why. The rider is slumped over in the saddle. As he continues to approach, the lookouts see that the rider's uniform is pierced with a dozen or more feathered shafts. Half a mile outside of camp, the rider tumbles from the saddle, his body crumpling onto the dusty earth.
General Custer rides out with all haste to meet his stricken scout. He gets there in time to hold the man's bloody, broken body in his arms, to see the light fade from his eyes, and to hear him choke out a final warning.
"They weren't... bacon trees, Sir. It... Was... A ham bush."
"Men, tomorrow we go up against the enemy. You may be afraid, but fear not - tomorrow morning I shall lay on such a breakfast as you have never seen: eggs, bacon, pancakes, the lot. With a breakfast like that, our victory is assured."
But after Custer finishes with this rousing speech, one of his lieutenants pulls him aside:
"I love the idea, Sir, there's just one slight problem. We ran out of bacon yesterday."
"What? But how can we mount a successful cavalry assault without a bacon breakfast? It would be insanity. We'll be slaughtered for sure."
Shaken but still determined, Custer tries to think of a solution.
"Ah! I have it! Five or so miles back, I do believe I spied a glade of bacon trees. Send out our fastest scout and have him gather a satchel of fresh bacon. Alert the cooks that bacon will be here within the hour!"
The scout is duly dispatched, but after an hour there is still no sign of him. Another hour passes, then two.
Finally, just as the weary sun kisses the horizon, it reveals the silhouette of a horse and rider in the distance, the horse slowly walking towards camp.
As the horse gets nearer, it becomes clear why. The rider is slumped over in the saddle. As he continues to approach, the lookouts see that the rider's uniform is pierced with a dozen or more feathered shafts. Half a mile outside of camp, the rider tumbles from the saddle, his body crumpling onto the dusty earth.
General Custer rides out with all haste to meet his stricken scout. He gets there in time to hold the man's bloody, broken body in his arms, to see the light fade from his eyes, and to hear him choke out a final warning.
"They weren't... bacon trees, Sir. It... Was... A ham bush."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
So quite a few years back, my uncle Sal passed away. He had no wife or kids so everything he owned, including his house, was left to my dad and his siblings.
My dad brought me along to check out the place and as he looked through the interior he suggested I check out the backyard and let him know if I saw anything interesting. There wasn't anything special, just typical yard equipment in the shed and whatnot, but there was one odd thing I noticed.
I went back inside and said to my dad, "nothing really to write home about, but it looks like there are a ton of holes that were dug up and filled at some point" My dad replied, "well Sal was kind of a weirdo; dig em up maybe he was stashing cash or valuables there"
So I went at it. First hole I dug up, there was just a piece of wood. I kinda just looked at it and tossed it to the side. Hole after hole it continued to be the same thing over and over, so I started throwing them in a bin to see if my dad could make any sense of it.
Finally after at least an hour, I come in with the bin and set it down and say, "this is it... this is what was in EVERY SINGLE HOLE!"
My dad sighs and says, "well he was always oddly afraid of vampires." I kinda just stared at him confused and he continued, "either way it seems that you have uncovered all of Sal's buried stakes"
My dad brought me along to check out the place and as he looked through the interior he suggested I check out the backyard and let him know if I saw anything interesting. There wasn't anything special, just typical yard equipment in the shed and whatnot, but there was one odd thing I noticed.
I went back inside and said to my dad, "nothing really to write home about, but it looks like there are a ton of holes that were dug up and filled at some point" My dad replied, "well Sal was kind of a weirdo; dig em up maybe he was stashing cash or valuables there"
So I went at it. First hole I dug up, there was just a piece of wood. I kinda just looked at it and tossed it to the side. Hole after hole it continued to be the same thing over and over, so I started throwing them in a bin to see if my dad could make any sense of it.
Finally after at least an hour, I come in with the bin and set it down and say, "this is it... this is what was in EVERY SINGLE HOLE!"
My dad sighs and says, "well he was always oddly afraid of vampires." I kinda just stared at him confused and he continued, "either way it seems that you have uncovered all of Sal's buried stakes"
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
Based on last week's response, I thought I'd get an intro from two very famous characters.....
When a cougar becomes so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard
When a cougar becomes so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a Def Leppard
Siren
Tiger Shark
- First Name
- Amanda
I'm catching up from being in St. Lucia for 5 weeks - I was reading 24% this joke from across the room and he throws his head back and says "Geez, Holly, that's a terrible joke" WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING it was your joke. hahahahahahahahahahaha.......
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
- First Name
- Jennifer
Nope, not reading that nonsense again.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven.
The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said “It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?”
The first woman said “I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching TV. I wasn’t convinced, so I tore through the house like a mad woman, looking in every room and closet and under each bed. I got so worked up I had a massive heart attack and died, so here I am.” The second woman responded “Well I sure as hell wish you would have looked in the freezer. Then we would both still be alive!”
The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said “It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?”
The first woman said “I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching TV. I wasn’t convinced, so I tore through the house like a mad woman, looking in every room and closet and under each bed. I got so worked up I had a massive heart attack and died, so here I am.” The second woman responded “Well I sure as hell wish you would have looked in the freezer. Then we would both still be alive!”
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
He gives her a quick glance and then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it..”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What”s so special about it?”
The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What”s it telling you now?”
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
The woman giggles and replies “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch, and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”