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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A hunter is out hunting when he shoots a duck out of the sky. When the duck falls, it hits a barn and lands behind a fence. The hunter walks up to the fence line and spots a farmer standing there.
"Excuse me, there," he says. "I was out hunting, and the duck I shot landed in your field. Can I grab it?"
The farmer looks at him and says, "Ain't no way you're coming on my property. That duck hit my barn and landed in my field. It's mine now."
The hunter, who had been visiting from the city and hadn't caught anything all day, gets upset.
"Listen here, you backwoods hick!" he says. "I've been out all day, and this is the only thing I've shot. Now give me the damn duck!"
The farmer thinks for a minute, wipes his brow, and says, "Tell you what. We'll settle this country-style, city slicker."
The hunter asks, "And just what is country-style?"
The farmer says, "We'll have a dick punching contest. We take turns punching each other in the dick, and whoever gives up first, loses."
The hunter is horrified, but he also really wants that duck. Plus, he can't resist the opportunity to punch this farmer right in the private parts.
"Alright," the hunter says. "Deal."
The farmer says, "I'll go first." Before the hunter can object, the farmer winds up and strikes the hunter as hard as he can, right in the naughty bits.
The hunter drops like a sack, screaming and writhing on the ground.
After about 5 minutes in unspeakable agony, the hunter finally composes himself. Gasping for breath, he says, "OK... my turn!"
The farmer looks at him, and says, "eh, you can have the duck."
"Excuse me, there," he says. "I was out hunting, and the duck I shot landed in your field. Can I grab it?"
The farmer looks at him and says, "Ain't no way you're coming on my property. That duck hit my barn and landed in my field. It's mine now."
The hunter, who had been visiting from the city and hadn't caught anything all day, gets upset.
"Listen here, you backwoods hick!" he says. "I've been out all day, and this is the only thing I've shot. Now give me the damn duck!"
The farmer thinks for a minute, wipes his brow, and says, "Tell you what. We'll settle this country-style, city slicker."
The hunter asks, "And just what is country-style?"
The farmer says, "We'll have a dick punching contest. We take turns punching each other in the dick, and whoever gives up first, loses."
The hunter is horrified, but he also really wants that duck. Plus, he can't resist the opportunity to punch this farmer right in the private parts.
"Alright," the hunter says. "Deal."
The farmer says, "I'll go first." Before the hunter can object, the farmer winds up and strikes the hunter as hard as he can, right in the naughty bits.
The hunter drops like a sack, screaming and writhing on the ground.
After about 5 minutes in unspeakable agony, the hunter finally composes himself. Gasping for breath, he says, "OK... my turn!"
The farmer looks at him, and says, "eh, you can have the duck."
Last edited:
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?” Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
It chatters constantly at high speeds;
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?” Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
It chatters constantly at high speeds;
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your d*ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in the Penthouse."
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your d*ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in the Penthouse."
- First Name
- Todd
I'm convinced our sheets are pentagons with all five sides a different length.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a young couple having dinner. The old man walked over and made the order for himself.
He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, while people stared at her compassionately. The young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
Another young man approached them and repeated the offer.
This time it was the old man who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man. So what are you waiting for then?
THE TEETH!!!
He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same.
He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.
The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, while people stared at her compassionately. The young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.
The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything.
People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.
Another young man approached them and repeated the offer.
This time it was the old man who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
The young man then asked the old man. So what are you waiting for then?
THE TEETH!!!
- First Name
- Todd
A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent.
“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me?”
“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year so that I can take her with me?”