• Two for the Price of One
    Join us for 3rd Thurs With CHUM on June 18st at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT at Jake's Sports Bar or Zoom. We will be joined by Jenny Stock from NOAA's Greater Farallones and Cordell Bank National Marine Sanctuaries! More details at this link.
  • 2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
    Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link.
  • CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
  • Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
  • For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
  • CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
  • Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
  • Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.

    And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.

  • Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.

Hump Day Humor

Heidi Ho

Heidi Ho

CHUM Fan
First Name
Holly
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A man takes his wife to get tested. Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
 
Heidi Ho

Heidi Ho

CHUM Fan
First Name
Holly
A man was traveling through Switzerland and as nightfall approached, he realized he had no place to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned; her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
 
Heidi Ho

Heidi Ho

CHUM Fan
First Name
Holly
A pirate goes to a doctor and says, "I have moles on me back, aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr."

The d‌‌octor says, "It's o‌‌k, t‌‌hey're b‌‌enign"

The pirate says, "‌‌Count a‌‌gain, I‌‌ t‌‌hink t‌‌here b‌‌e t‌‌en!"
 
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Heidi Ho

Heidi Ho

CHUM Fan
First Name
Holly
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
Heidi Ho

Heidi Ho

CHUM Fan
First Name
Holly
A man and his wife are driving along and the man says, "I wish I had a duck'.

The wife rolls her eyes and says "Why on Earth would you want a duck?"

"Lots of reasons," says the husband. "They're cute, they're fun..."

"Whatever," says the wife.

Just then, they round a corner and there on the side of the road is an injured duck. The husband screeches to a halt and jumps out to tend to the duck. He takes it to his home and nurses it back to health, even going so far as to build it a pond in the backyard. Soon the duck is fine again and becomes the husband's constant companion. The wife has to admit that her husband seems much happier with the duck in his life.

Then one day she looks out the window into the backyard and see her husband wailing with grief. "Oh God," she thinks, "something happened to the duck." She rushes out into the yard, only to see the duck standing next to her husband, perfectly fine.

She runs to her husband's side and puts her hand on his shoulder. "It's okay!" she cries. "The duck is just fine! Look, he's right here!"

"I know that!" he sobs.

"Then what are you crying about?" she asks, exasperated.

"I just realized," he wails. "I had one wish and I wished for a f*cking DUCK!!!"
 
SilverBubbles

SilverBubbles

Tiger Shark
First Name
Andrea
eddy said:
Today is not Hump Day but I promised Sushi Boy some humor...

Q: How do pirates know that they are pirates?
A: They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

Also a big hello from an original CHUMMER!!
Click to expand...

My daughter has been on a pirate joke kick lately. I'll have to share this with her :D
 
Heidi Ho

Heidi Ho

CHUM Fan
First Name
Holly
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
 
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