• Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.

  • 2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
    Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link.
  • CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
  • Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
  • For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
  • CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
  • Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
  • Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.

    And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.

  • Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.

It's Friday, tell us a joke

cjdiver

Nurse Shark
First Name
Ce
Being a Former WannaBe Rocket Scientist... :piratewithhat:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find this article a bit demeaning:

Rocket Scientists Not as Smart as Originally Thought
New Findings in Study Commissioned by Brain Surgeons

Rocket scientists, long considered the gold standard in intelligence among all professionals, are not nearly as smart as originally thought, according to a controversial new study published today by the American Association of Brain Surgeons.

The study, which appears in the organization's monthly publication, Popular Brain Surgery, is entitled "The Intelligence of Rocket Scientists: Myth Versus Reality," and suggests that rocket scientists' reputation for smartness is largely undeserved.

"It does require a superior intellect to function as a rocket scientist," the article concedes. "Having said that, though, rocket science is not brain surgery."

The article drew an immediate rebuke from a spokesperson for the American Society of Rocket Scientists, who blasted the study as "state-of-the-art pro-brain surgeon propaganda."

"As rocket scientists, we take offense at this naked attempt by a devious cabal of opportunistic brain surgeons to supplant us as the smartest people on the planet," the spokesperson said. "If rocket science is so easy, we'd like to see these so-called brain surgeons give it a try one of these days."

Professor Davis Logsdon, a University of Minnesota expert who studies the turf wars between rocket scientists and brain surgeons, said that he believes the latest controversy between the two groups has been overplayed.

"The fact of the matter is, the smartest people in the world have always been, and will always be, University of Minnesota experts," he said.
__________________
 

driftdiver

Nurse Shark
First Name
Wayne
Ten reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers

Now, this is funny. I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some 'flak' from the NAACP.
Al Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
(I bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!)
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving..
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways
 

McLOT

Administrator
Staff member
First Name
Scott
Union Rules

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Reno and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"


"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."


"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"


"The house gets $70 and the girls get $30," she answered


Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street
in search of a unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached
a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union
house. We observe all union rules."


The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $70 and the house gets $30."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.


He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly
attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured
to an 87-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years
seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
 

driftdiver

Nurse Shark
First Name
Wayne
Not sure. It was sent to me earlier in the week. Maybe I should have left off the reference to him???
 

Sushi Boy

Shananigator
DAM CHUMmer
First Name
Roger
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your a$$ and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
 

driftdiver

Nurse Shark
First Name
Wayne
Little Johnny Strikes Again!

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock
City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted
you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided
there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.
 

thermo

On the Wall at Some Key West Men's Room
First Name
John
For Kicks

A soccer ball walked into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
 

Captain HardHead

Nurse Shark
First Name
Doug
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed.

"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno".
 

Smoochy

Nurse Shark
First Name
Trish
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
 

Smoochy

Nurse Shark
First Name
Trish
oh 2 more good ones!

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''

***********************************************************************************


One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Ok that's enough from me today :D
 

Sushi Boy

Shananigator
DAM CHUMmer
First Name
Roger
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Chloe said unhappily, "Mum, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman gave her an angry look, "Chloe, how dare you talk about your father like that!"
 

Old Coastie

Nurse Shark
First Name
Bruce
I just looked at Dive Diva's Public Profile--
Does it bother anyone else that she lists her Occupation as --The Rapist ??
 

McLOT

Administrator
Staff member
First Name
Scott
Love Poem (from the la-z-boy)

A Scottish Love Poem


A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody tap notch burd.

An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.

So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.

It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.

So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.

So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.

Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.

They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.

Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.

Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.

Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.

Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.

Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.

Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer.
 

cjdiver

Nurse Shark
First Name
Ce
Say It Drunk

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me..............................MY Favorite!!!
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
 
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