It's Friday, tell us a joke

[Sushi Boy]

We had a bunch of Thanksgiving leftovers this year. The fridge was absolutely stuffed.

It was delicious and I couldn’t stop eating it. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, nibbling while watching tv, midnight snack. I just kept eating and eating and eating, it was becoming an addiction.

I finally realized that I just had to quit cold turkey.

 

[Sushi Boy]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?





Do you smell carrots?

 

[Sushi Boy]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Get a load of this lady. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

 

[Sushi Boy]

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl said, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, turned around and looking at an older lady down one aisle said, “Grandma is paying today.”

 

[Sushi Boy]

It was mealtime during a United Airlines flight.
"Would you like to buy a dinner?" the flight attendant asked John.
"What are my choices?" John said.
"Yes or no," she replied.

 

[Sushi Boy]

A young man came running into a store in Mississippi and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Oh no! Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license plate number.”

 

[Sushi Boy]

I was in a hurry the other day and tried to make a square, but I ended up with an octagon. I guess that's what I get for cutting corners.

 

[McLOT]

Attention!

 

[Sushi Boy]

 

[Sushi Boy]

I Googled "Rorschach Test" but all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

 

[Sushi Boy]

A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he managed to land such a hot 23-year-old beauty.

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he said.

“Well,” he replies, “I told her I was 87.”

 

[Sushi Boy]

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

 

[McLOT]

Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.

 

[Sushi Boy]

You know those emails that come around from Nigerian princes now and then? I just got one from an Egyptian pharaoh.


It turned out to be a pyramid scheme.

 

[McLOT]

My father has suggested that I register for a donor card.

He's a man after my own heart.

 

[dutch]

Under the heading of "day late, dollar short"

Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

 

[Sushi Boy]

The sheriff in College Station walks out in the street and sees a freshman from A&M coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat. He calls him over and arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he's locking him up, he asks, " Son, why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Aggie says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the Dixie Chicken and this pretty little redhead asks me to go back to her dorm room with her. So I did.

We go in and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me all kinda sexy and says, ........ 'Now go to town, cowboy.'

So here I am.”

 

[K-Jenn Diver]

The sheriff in College Station walks out in the street and sees a freshman from A&M coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat. He calls him over and arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he's locking him up, he asks, " Son, why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Aggie says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the Dixie Chicken and this pretty little redhead asks me to go back to her dorm room with her. So I did.

We go in and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants..... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..... So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me all kinda sexy and says, ........ 'Now go to town, cowboy.'

So here I am.”

Been there, done that?

 

[Sushi Boy]

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

A malapropism walks into a bar - looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing - with his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. His glass is half full or half empty.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 

[McLOT]

Cold weather is almost over.