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Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.
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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
outback
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Neil
Since it's Rodeo Season....
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
dfishwoman
Nurse Shark
And another thing...
... Thermo cannot ride a horse (SB's fantasy Rodeo joke!), so he would be better off walking anyway!
... Thermo cannot ride a horse (SB's fantasy Rodeo joke!), so he would be better off walking anyway!
outback said:Ahh, this explains thermo's driving in Abilene.....
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
Dr. Thermo
Thermo had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice
trying to reassure him --
"Thermo. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Thermo! You're a veterinarian."
Thermo had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried
to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice
trying to reassure him --
"Thermo. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -
"Thermo! You're a veterinarian."
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
How rumours get started in the Office
Man this is a slooooow day.
Man this is a slooooow day.
- First Name
- Roger
Thermo gets a job as a tour bus driver. One day he is driving with a bus load of senior citizens down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because, we all have no teeth," she replies.
Puzzled, Thermo asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them."
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because, we all have no teeth," she replies.
Puzzled, Thermo asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
I'll Start
My funny for the day:
My funny for the day:
Big Dave
Nurse Shark
Karate Dog
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.
The employee said, "If it’s a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.
By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way."
Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a Doberman.
The employee said, "If it’s a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.
By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way."
Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"
Hawkeye Mark
Iowa Hawkeye Fan
- First Name
- Mark
Joke
I need a joke. Our new employee who just started Monday,quit to move to OK for $$$$$$$.
Anyone got any more.
I need a joke. Our new employee who just started Monday,quit to move to OK for $$$$$$$.
Anyone got any more.
Blackhawksq
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Robert
heres 2
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
---------------------------------------
curitosy of MISTUPID.COM... where you can endless hours of productivity destorying goodness.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
---------------------------------------
curitosy of MISTUPID.COM... where you can endless hours of productivity destorying goodness.
Big Dave
Nurse Shark
Atom Films
Atomfilms.com is a website with hundreds of short, independent films. There’s plenty on there for everyone’s taste, but here’s two of my favorites:
Pink Five
Anakin Dynamite
Atomfilms.com is a website with hundreds of short, independent films. There’s plenty on there for everyone’s taste, but here’s two of my favorites:
Pink Five
Anakin Dynamite
AquaCat
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Jay
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the hood of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman, ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man
and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
Putting aside the scuba gear and the hood of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman, ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man
and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
AquaCat
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Jay
thesassyrabbit
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Katie
Read the story before looking at the picture
This was posted by a friend (Damir). Well, it's not exactly a joke, but it made me laugh....
_________________________________________
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer.
He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now.
Just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it.
I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.
This was posted by a friend (Damir). Well, it's not exactly a joke, but it made me laugh....
_________________________________________
A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer.
He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now.
Just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.
So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it.
I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.
- First Name
- Scott
I'll have a diet coke please...
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"
AquaCat
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Jay
Two airline pilots are walking up the aisle of an airplane, toward the cockpit. Both men are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
dutch
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- John
a CHUMmer at heart
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Tx.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night)-- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed any alcohol at all!! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This
Breathalyzer equipment must be broken".
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the designated
decoy."
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Tx.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night)-- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed any alcohol at all!! Dumbfounded, the officer said,
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This
Breathalyzer equipment must be broken".
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Cowboy. "Tonight I'm the designated
decoy."
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
Lost Puppy
This is funny, I don't care who you are.
This is funny, I don't care who you are.