It's Friday, tell us a joke

[AquaCat]

The beer prayer

THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

 

[Sushi Boy]

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the country, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received an email from the ambitious sheriff of a small Texas town: "GOT THE PICTURES. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."

 

[Captain HardHead]

An elderly couple are driving cross-country

An elderly couple are driving cross-country.
The woman is driving.

She gets pulled over by the highwaypatrol. The officer says, Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?

The woman turns to her husband and asks, What did he say? The old man yells, HE SAYS YOU
WERE SPEEDING.

The patrolman says, May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks, What did he say? The old man yells, HE WANTS TO SEE
YOUR LICENSE. The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.

The woman turns to her husband and asks, What did he say? HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU! Yells the old man...

 

[Blackhawksq]

I know it's only monday but I thought this was great


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband
in a very drunken state.During the next few minutes, he explained
that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be
able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then
she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"
him
for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of
her
savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his
voice and blurted out,"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would
have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.

 

[Captain HardHead]

Homerism

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk!

Homer: And how!

..

 

[McLOT]

The Gas Station

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged - my wife won twice last week."

 

[AquaCat]

Geek humor

Two IT guys were chatting after work.

"Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" asks the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood, and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" exclaims the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

 

[captain larry]

>> >
> > >Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at
a
> >
> > >party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
> >
> >room.
> >
> > >Those who remained started talking about their kids. The first
guy
> >
> > >said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful
> >
> > >company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
> >
> >Business
> >
> > >Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now
> >
> > >he's the president of the company. He became so rich
> >
> > > >that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
> >
> > >birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son
is
> >
> >also
> >
> > >my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and
> >
> > > >then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he
became
> >
> >a
> >
> > >partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its
assets.
> >
> >He's
> >
> > >so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
> >
> > >birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son
studied
> >
> >in
> >
> > >the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
own
> >
> > >construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave
> >
> >away
> >
> > >something very nice and expensive to his best
> >
> > > >friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The
three
> >
> > >friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from
> >
> >the
> >
> > >restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One
of
> >
> >the
> >
> > >three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
> >
> >successes
> >
> > >of our sons...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My
son
> >
> >is
> >
> > >gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The
> >
> >three
> >
> > >friends said: "What shame...what a
> >
> > >disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed.
He's
> >
> >my
> >
> > >son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His
birthday
> >
> >was
> >
> > >two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
> >
> >mansion,
> >
> > >a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes
> >
> > >from his three boyfriends."

 

[captain larry]

e Nude Beach

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his
dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person
is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

 

[Big Dave]

The Panda Joke...

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After he finishes his meal, he shoots the waiter and then leaves.

When the police catch up to him an hour later, they ask the panda why he shot the waiter.

The panda says, “Look up panda in the dictionaryâ€Â.

The police do and the entry for panda states: eats shoots and leaves.

 

[Big Dave]

Sherlock Holmes...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 

[Big Dave]

Comedy Robot

Here’s a link to the Comedy Robot website. Click on the “Random Joke!†button and you’re off. Some of these jokes are outrageous, some are horrible, enjoy.

 

[Stella]

In honor of Cinco de Mayo:

I love to have a martini
Two at the very most
Three I'm under the table
Four I'm under my host.

 

[McLOT]

Decision, decisions

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS.

He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst
clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got opposite advice:
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer.

Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised; a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks."

Her best friend gave conflicting advice: '"Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel."

The man did not understand: "But Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi,
"you're going to get screwed."

 

[Captain HardHead]

Here's one from England.

A bloke walks into a supermarket and buys:

>one tin of beans
>one bag of crisps
>one packet of burgers
>one tub of ice cream
>one cake
>one yoghurt
>one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout,
and the girl looks at what he has
bought and asks him if he is single.

The bloke says sarcastically, "Yes, however did you guess?"

The girl replies "Because you're an ugly bastard"

 

[scubachix]

Apologize in advance ...

How do you make a Kleenex dance? ....



Put a little boogie in it!!!

TGIF!

 

[Blackhawksq]

True Story taken of thedailywtf.com

Not a joke but I thought it was quiet funny.


Most people have a hard time understanding why CEO's are paid so highly. They don't see that it really is a tough job, requiring the utmost dedication to the company. They don't realize that a CEO has no power to directly change things and that he must rely on all of subordinates to realize the company's objectives. They don't get that it takes a very special person, one who is a skillful communicator, a champion motivator, and an ideal role model to do the job. But then again, they are inundated with anonymously-submitted examples like today's ...

From: Jim M----- [jim.m-----@----corp.com]
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 3:49 PM
To: All Employees
Subject: Employee Departure

Wow. Someone does not want to work here. Rather than having the courage to quit and go get a job elsewhere this supposedly adult individual has chosen to stay and take up space in our company.

They made the mistake today of telling a candidate in the elevator that they should not take a job here at -----. That ----- was not a good place to work.

The candidate then told the recruiter, who then told us. The recruiter is getting a description of the person who told the candidate this. If necessary I will pay the candidate to come and identify who they talked to.

Once this person is identified they will be fired immediately and in quite a spectacular fashion.

I'd suggest if that person has an ounce of personal honor they will quit now. Otherwise it will be quite a public spectacle later.

The people in this company who work hard everyday to accomplish their jobs do not need the distraction of the bitchers that unfortunately every company has eventually.

I'd suggest your displeasure is endemic of your personality and most likely you have never been happy at any job you have ever had. So do us all a favor and leave.

If I sound outraged, it is because I am.

If you don't like this company -then GET THE HELL OUT.

The rest of us are trying to accomplish something here.


Jim M-----
CEO
---- Corporation

Ironically, after a series of pay cuts, mandatory overtime, and benefits slashing, the email didn't help improve employee morale.

 

[outback]

Ozzie

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)


A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

[McLOT]

What Corporate Buzzwords Mean

it's been a long week.....


'COMPETITIVE SALARY'
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

'JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM'
We have no time to train you.

'CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE'
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

'MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED'
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

'SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED'
Some time each night & some time each weekend.

'DUTIES WILL VARY'
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

'MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL'
We have no quality control.

'SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE'
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

'PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST'
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

'REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS'
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

'GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS'
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

 

[GWNDWN]

Well

this is just funny

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