It's Friday, tell us a joke

[McLOT]

BBQ season is here!

After months of frozen Houston winter, we are finally into summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

[Blackhawksq]

Men have it so tough..

Thought 1:

Life isn't fair to men.
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be
liberated from?

Thought 2:

The average man's life consists of - twenty years of having his mother ask him
where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at
the end, the mourners wondering too.

Thought 3:

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u take one
more step, a brick will fall down on your head And kill you." The man stopped
and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on,
and after a while he! was going to cross the road. Once again the voice
shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you,
and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got Married?"

 

[Blackhawksq]

Lets get this week started a bit early... Taken off the aikiweb.... taken of somewhere else... probably taken off somewhere else

Couldn't stop laughing when I read this, starts out a little slow but I think everyone will appriciate the humor (and hidden wisdom) in the end. Taken from a blog somewhere or another.

Beware of things that go BLIMP in the night

Last week while travelling, I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium, put batteries in it, and you have a radio controlled indoor blimp.

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

We blew it up with the tank, attached the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living room and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase, it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to "HOLY SHIT! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution knows this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living shit out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, thus sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

***

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

Some blimps are better off dead.

 

[Sushi Boy]

When scientists get bored

The Extreme Diet Coke & Mentos Experiments

I'll be right back. I gotta go to the store.

 

[Chunky]

The Extreme Diet Coke & Mentos Experiments

I'll be right back. I gotta go to the store.

Funny you shoudl mention that... In fact the cause of this Phenomenon is similar to the nucleation of nitrogen bubbles in the human body after diving. Like the mento, the human body has all sorts of nooks and crannies for nucleation to occur and just like a can of soda, aggitation can accelerate nucleation which is partly why physical exertion post-dive is not an advisable passtime...

 

[ReefHound]

Big Taco

Anybody know what a Camel Toe is?

This is a video, you must have sound, please don't spit up on your monitor. For bandwidth reasons I'll probably remove the file in a few days so save it if you want it.

 

[thesassyrabbit]

That's just so WRONG on SO many levels. LOL. But while we're focusing on it... do men find that attractive?

 

[jdavis]

know the toe

Anybody know what a Camel Toe is?

This is a video, you must have sound, please don't spit up on your monitor. For bandwidth reasons I'll probably remove the file in a few days so save it if you want it.

we discussed this on the fling last week: http://cameltoe.org/

 

[ReefHound]

That's just so WRONG on SO many levels. LOL. But while we're focusing on it... do men find that attractive?

Are we focusing on it?

"it looks all right so baby let it show..."

 

[GWNDWN]

gotta love bob and tom

 

[Sushi Boy]

http://cameltoe.org/

Ha, ha! Are they a 510(c)3?

 

[jdavis]

Ha, ha! Are they a 510(c)3?

Don't know we did wonder how they got the .org

 

[Blackhawksq]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking
about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Witch...

 

[Big Dave]

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

 

[Big Dave]

Kenny the Rooster

Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun" the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

 

[Batfish]

Bad day at the office??

Next time you have a
> > bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation
> > diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on
> > offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She
> > then sent it to a Radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was
> > sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
> >
> > Hi Sue,
> > Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a> > bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
> > so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
> > not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I
> > first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
> > As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to
> > the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
> > So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial
> > water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of
> > the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps it down to the
> > diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this
> > sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
> > complaints.
> > What I do, when I get to the bottom and start ! working, is take the hose
> > and stuff it down the back of m y wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
> > warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
> > Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my bum started to itch.
> > So
> > of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
> > seconds my bum started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but
> > the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
> > water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
> > since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
> > it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate. When I scratched
> > what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into
> > the crack of my bum.
> > I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
> > instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five o! ther
> > divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
> > dive.
> > I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
> > totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin
> > my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
> > wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the
> > medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of
> > cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon as I got in the chamber.
> > The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my
> > bum was swollen shut.
> >
> > So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
> > worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

 

[Stella]

Water and Wine Education

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other
words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Doo Doo

WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!!

It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be
full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing
it as a public service.

 

[Sushi Boy]

Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive friend of ours noticed a drunk sitting on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because our friend had had a couple himself that night and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.

"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."

"That is terrible," said our friend, too much under the weather to muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her back."

"That's right," said the drunk, still sniffling.

"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you love her," sympathized our friend.

"No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm thirsty again."

 

[thermo]

Geez

This post needs more cowbell!!

 

[drcheap]

This post needs more cowbell!!

I gotta fever...and the only prescription...is more cowbell!
Clickity click for MORE COWBELL!