• Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.

  • 2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
    Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link.
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  • Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
  • For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
  • CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
  • Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
  • Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.

    And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.

  • Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.

It's Friday, tell us a joke

Captain HardHead

Nurse Shark
First Name
Doug
Long, but interesting.

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only
had an 8th grade education?

Well, check this out.

Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? This is the
eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken
from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical
Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph.
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of
"lie," "play," and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you
understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.


Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide How many
bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at
50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary
levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104
for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20
per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of
which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.


U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn,
and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800,
1849, 1865 ..



Orthography (Time, one hour) Do we even know what this is??

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography,
etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph,
subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals 4. Give four substitutes
for caret 'u.' (HUH?) 5. Give two rules for spelling words with final
'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word:
bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name
the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell,
rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane,
fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation
by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.


Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba,
Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the
sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he
only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?!

...and, NO... I don't have the answers.
 

McLOT

Administrator
Staff member
First Name
Scott
Ahh, the cycle of life

Stages of Life

1. THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 whisky
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Imodium


AGE SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.


AGE FAVORITE PASTIME

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping


AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my course of psycho-therapy."
48 "I wasn't forced to meet her kids."
66 "Colostomy bag didn't burst & got home alive."


AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 anything that could be described as sex (and involve a
second party)
25 sex in public place
35 menage a trois
48 more than once of an evening
66 getting it up


AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17


AGE IDEAL DATE

17 Triple bill for the price of one at the cinema
25 "Split the bill then back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Tea and cakes in front of 'Countdown'



2. THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 Hooch
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Sherry & a Night Nurse chaser


AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to dye my hair
48 Need to get Quentin to dye my hair
66 Need to get Quentin to dye my wig


AGE FAVORITE PASTIME

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping (in the local post office at lunch-time only)


AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone, box of chocs and a Barbara Cartland novel"


AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 not too ugly or completely skint
66 a man (preferably, but not necessarily still alive)


AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66


AGE IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He is still breathing the end of the evening


.
 

Captain HardHead

Nurse Shark
First Name
Doug
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men Here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When
he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town
Where the girls are".
 

Blackhawksq

Nurse Shark
First Name
Robert
Got this from a friend... Brandy is her golden Lab..
.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Brandy and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Duh!

On impulse, I told her that, no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purses with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
 

Sushi Boy

Shananigator
DAM CHUMmer
First Name
Roger
This gave me a chuckle...

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING;
"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!........

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED JOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS
BALDING GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE
BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM .OR COULD HE???

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED!.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALDING SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
 

Captain HardHead

Nurse Shark
First Name
Doug
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
 

Captain HardHead

Nurse Shark
First Name
Doug
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!"

The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!"
 

drcheap

Nurse Shark
First Name
David
This one's for our Scottish members...

As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.

The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.

The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.

Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
 

thermo

On the Wall at Some Key West Men's Room
First Name
John
I know this hits home for one of us who shall remain NeilAMELESS.

As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.

The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.

The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.

Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
 

driftdiver

Nurse Shark
First Name
Wayne
Trivia Stuff

-Ok, I'm a little sceptical about some of these !!!!

-------------------------------------------
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to
beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"

-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

-----------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

-----------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

-------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which
we know today as the honeymoon.

-----------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

-----------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
 

McLOT

Administrator
Staff member
First Name
Scott
MARKETING explained

1. You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You
go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".
-That's Direct Marketing.

2. You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You
give your friend $10. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over
there is great in bed, how about it?".
-That's Advertising.

3. You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You
somehow mop up her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and
then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
-That's Tele-Marketing.

4. You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You
recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to
laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
-That's Customer Relationship Management.

5. You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You
put on your spring boots and walk around playing Mr. Busy. You put on your
best smile and walk around being Mr. Congenial. You fresh all the Thesaurus
links in your memory and play Mr. Polished. You stand straight, you talk soft
and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you
set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?".
-That's Hard Selling.

6. You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE
COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
-Now THAT is the power of Branding.
 

Moonbeam

Nurse Shark
First Name
Tracy
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? If you do not know, see answer below.
>
>
>







Get off the carosel you drunk ass>
 

Sushi Boy

Shananigator
DAM CHUMmer
First Name
Roger
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?


Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
 

Blackhawksq

Nurse Shark
First Name
Robert
The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," asks the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Dopey replies, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, immediately silencing them.

Dopey turns back to the Pope, asking "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Holy Father a final time and demands, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin... Dopey screwed a penguin!"
 

Captain HardHead

Nurse Shark
First Name
Doug
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~~ Jack Handy
 
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