Blackhawksq
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Robert
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Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.
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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
An Irish Joke
Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking
buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump.
The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down
his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks
were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
rump. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said, "Paddy
McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?" Paddy said, "Why
are ye accusin' me of such a thing?"
"Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but
mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall
mirror."
Paddy staggered home very late after an evening with his drinking
buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Bridget.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump.
The bottle of "Jameson" in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down
his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks
were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
rump. Bridget sat staring at him from across the room. She said, "Paddy
McGuire, ye were drunk again last night, weren't ye?" Paddy said, "Why
are ye accusin' me of such a thing?"
"Ah, well," Bridget said, "it could be the open front door; it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house; it could be yer bloodshot eyes; but
mostly, I'm thinkin', it's all those Band-Aids stuck to the hall
mirror."
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
New Husband Store
New Husband Store
A store that sells new
husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband
Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
New Husband Store
A store that sells new
husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband
Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
Military Humor
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
- First Name
- Roger
This one is for everyone who ... a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid, e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy,
look
at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers, "pretending to eat
them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on
the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
d) knows a kid, e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy,
look
at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers, "pretending to eat
them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on
the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
drcheap
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- David
- First Name
- Ryan
well it is for me anyway
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma! 's house today and I saw
her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get rea lly mad but the biker
still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one m ore time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says..
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!" [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets
up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma! 's house today and I saw
her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker
and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get rea lly mad but the biker
still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one m ore time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says..
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!" [/FONT]
dutch
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- John
two crocs
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in
Canberra.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out,grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in
Canberra.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out,grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Daddy's Little Girl
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"*pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again*and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"*pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again*and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
- First Name
- Scott
Managerium
The heaviest (densest) element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not
decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as Morons.
The heaviest (densest) element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not
decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as Morons.
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
High Cost of Funerals
Two weeks ago a friend of ours Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to Maria and me.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Maria exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Maria computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My Lord, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats.", said Helen.
Two weeks ago a friend of ours Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to Maria and me.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Maria exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Maria computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My Lord, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats.", said Helen.
Old Coastie
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Bruce
Jessie Jackson died and went to Hell. He was met by the Devil at the gate. The Devil said "Sorry Jessie, I'm full up, but maybe I can find someone who will give up a space for you. We'll visit a few of them and I'll let you decide."
They entered the first door and there was Teddy Kennedy. Teddy dove into a pond of water trying to get to a submerged car, but he just couldn't quite get to it. Then he would surface, and dive down again, but he could never get to the car.
The Devil said "What do you think?"
Jessie said "Well, I don't swim too good and I don't want to spend eternity in the water."
So they went inside a second door. Inside was Al Gore. He was standing beside a stack of millions of metal boxes. He took each box and attached a lock and then placed it in a new stack labeled "Lock Boxes".
The Devil said "Well, Jessie?"
Jessie said "Oh no, I have arthritis in my hands and I don't want to spend eternity putting locks on lock boxes."
So Jessie and the Devil entered a third door. There, stretched out on a bed, was Bill Clinton. His hands were tied to the bed posts and his legs were spread eagled. Monica Lewinsky was between his legs doing what she does best.
Jessis smiled and said "You know Mr. Devil, I think I can do this for eternity."
The Devil shook his head in agreement and said "Okay Monica, you can leave now."
They entered the first door and there was Teddy Kennedy. Teddy dove into a pond of water trying to get to a submerged car, but he just couldn't quite get to it. Then he would surface, and dive down again, but he could never get to the car.
The Devil said "What do you think?"
Jessie said "Well, I don't swim too good and I don't want to spend eternity in the water."
So they went inside a second door. Inside was Al Gore. He was standing beside a stack of millions of metal boxes. He took each box and attached a lock and then placed it in a new stack labeled "Lock Boxes".
The Devil said "Well, Jessie?"
Jessie said "Oh no, I have arthritis in my hands and I don't want to spend eternity putting locks on lock boxes."
So Jessie and the Devil entered a third door. There, stretched out on a bed, was Bill Clinton. His hands were tied to the bed posts and his legs were spread eagled. Monica Lewinsky was between his legs doing what she does best.
Jessis smiled and said "You know Mr. Devil, I think I can do this for eternity."
The Devil shook his head in agreement and said "Okay Monica, you can leave now."
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Wal Mart Application
This is an actual job application that a
75 year old senior citizen submitted to
Wal-Mart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so
funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the
right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or
Vice President. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management
hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm
worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate
environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs. ?: Of
what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more
appropriate question here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks -
yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE
YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
This is an actual job application that a
75 year old senior citizen submitted to
Wal-Mart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so
funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the
right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or
Vice President. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management
hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm
worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate
environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs. ?: Of
what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more
appropriate question here would be "Do you have a
car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks -
yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE
YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
- First Name
- Roger
A husband found himself in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less."
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the extent of the injuries...
His wife angrily told him, "Tomorrow there better be something for me in the driveway that goes from zero to 160 in five seconds or less."
The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are limited due to the extent of the injuries...