It's Friday, tell us a joke

[driftdiver]

Excuses

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE
EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32
AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF
A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT
IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY
VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD
(DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!)

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!}

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.
{I absolutely LOVE that one!}

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE
THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER
FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.

 

[McLOT]

TRUE STORY - maybe

I was on a train in Glasgow a few weeks ago and a midget got on, with a Bargain Booze carry oot bag.

It was quite busy on the train so his bag couldn't go on a seat and I could see him looking up to the overhead rack.
A certain good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to put that up".....
He said Yes thanks, and it was done.
But it wasn't upright and through the gap in the bars his half bottle of vodka fell out and smashed on the floor of the compartment.

He stands up, red in the face as the inspector comes along to see what's going on. The inspector asked if it was his bottle of Vodka. The midget said "Aye...and Ah'm no Happy".

A lone voice from the back of the carriage "Well! ....which one are you then?"

 

[AquaCat]

Men and earrings

A man notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." So, he says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring," the coworker replies peevishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[Sushi Boy]

One day, during English class, Miss Figpot asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.

No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Figpot, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

 

[McLOT]

Interview

we need to introduce this in the busy market......

 

[Captain HardHead]

Lessons for Life

Bungee

 

[Captain HardHead]

One more

I couldn't resist

 

[Sushi Boy]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more vodka for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

[eddy]

ha!

2. Nope, no more vodka for me.

This is perfect for me!!...ahh...memories!!!

 

[justin-branam]

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition.


and a double dose:

how do pirates like their hamburgers? Chaaarrrrrrbroiled.

 

[McLOT]

political spin

I'm sure I recognise that joke from somewhere

more......

REGARDLESS OF YOUR POLITICAL AFFILIATION OR THE NAME USED, THE SPIN PUT ON THIS STORY IS GOOD
Judy, a professional genealogical researcher,
discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle,
Remus Rodham, a fellow lacking in moral character, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana
in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him
standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is
this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to
Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, and
robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by
Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's
staff of professional image adjusters cropped Remus'
picture, scanned it, enlarged the image, and edited it
with image processing software so that all that's seen
is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch
is as follows:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana
Territory. His business empire grew to include the
acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate
dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883,
he devoted several years of his life to service at a
government facility, finally taking leave to resume
his dealings with the Railroad. In 1887, he was a key
player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away
during an important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was standing
collapsed."

 

[driftdiver]

Generations

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up'?"

 

[Sushi Boy]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me $hit.

 

[Token]

Another Weekend At The Home

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs around the halls of an asylum. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.

When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

 

[Token]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

 

[Sushi Boy]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do
for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

[driftdiver]

Redneck Jokes

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench .
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean ?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

 

[McLOT]

Brain Of An Italian

An Italian man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.

The Italian man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?

The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

 

[Captain HardHead]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

[McLOT]

N' Awlins

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked."

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, riots, drugs, poor
public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as
bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your
kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've
been worried to death.

But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."



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