It's Friday, tell us a joke

[Captain HardHead]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,"
he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[dutch]

5 questions to ponder

Answers to the 5 most important questions in the world:


Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.



"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one." Albert
Einstein

 

[driftdiver]

Think before you speak

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last
one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and >
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child

has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel
better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
were laughing so hard!

 

[McLOT]

Doctors: What They Say / What They Mean

What They Say:

"This should be taken care of right away."

What They Mean:

"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

---------------

What They Say:

"Well, what have we here...?"

What They Mean:

Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping
you will give him a clue.

---------------

What They Say:

"We'll see."

What They Mean:

"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."

---------------

What They Say:

"Let me check your medical history."

What They Mean:

"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you."

---------------

What They Say:

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

What They Mean:

"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time."
-or-
I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."

---------------

What They Say:

"We have some good news and some bad news."

What They Mean:

The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is
you're going to pay for it.

---------------

What They Say:

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

What They Mean:

"I have a 40% interest in the lab."

---------------

What They Say:

"How are we today?"

What They Mean:

"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."


.

 

[McLOT]

Final Exam

yes, It's Friday but I've only got a blond joke. Here goes anyway.......

*******

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

 

[Sushi Boy]

Breaking News

Police Station Toilet Stolen

Cops have nothing to go on.

 

[driftdiver]

Two Kids

Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to eachother outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[Swashbuckler]

Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

[driftdiver]

Do not talk to my parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's ap artmen t the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

 

[Pink Pirate]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it has to REALLY want to change.

How many surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it doesn't work because he just stands there and thinks the world revolves around him

A man goes to heaven and is given a tour by St. Peter. After a while they go to the cafeteria for lunch. While in line, a man in a white coat comes rushing by, grabs things off the counter and rushes out. The man asks St. Peter who the fast moving man was. St. Peter answers "Oh that was God, he sometimes likes to act like a doctor".

 

[GWNDWN]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

 

[Sushi Boy]

An elderly man in North Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

 

[smash]

An elderly man in North Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

A couple of days later, the old man goes down to the pond to relax and enjoy the sunset. It's a beautiful evening, with a glorious sky and a chorus of crickets and frogs filling the air. The old man sits down at one of the picnic tables and savors a cold beer.

After awhile, he notices one sound in particular that doesn't seem to fit in with the crickets and frogs. It's the faint sound of a female voice humming a haunting tune. Curious, the old man starts walking around the pond to find the source of this sound.

At the far side of the pond, it becomes abundantly clear to him that the sound is coming from a stand of reeds. Peering through the reeds, the old man sees a fat frog sitting on a rock, singing a lullabye in a clear soprano voice. The frog sees him but doesn't move and doesn't seem concerned by his presence. In fact, the frog turns to look directly at him and sings a bit louder.

The old man scoops up the frog and holds in up in the waning light, trying to get a good look at it. When he holds it up to eye level, the frog stops singing and speaks to him in a lovely, feminine voice. "Sir, I am a magical frog. If you kiss me, I will turn in a beautiful young maiden who will satisfy your every desire."

"Really?" replies the old man. "That's mighty interesting."

"I do not lie," responds the frog. "I am a beautiful young maiden who has been transformed into a lowly frog by a witch's curse. If you kiss me, you can break that spell, and I will prove my gratitude by satisfying your every desire."

The old man looks at the frog for a little while and then slips it into his shirt pocket. "Mighty interesting things you find in this here swimmin' pond," he says. "First a bunch of naked girls, and now this frog."

"If that is your desire, kind sir," says the frog, "I will swim in this pond naked every day for your pleasure, if only you will kiss me and turn me back into the beautiful young maiden that I truly am."

"Nah, not interested in that," replies the old man as he walks to his house.

"What are you doing?" asks the frog. "Why don't you just kiss me and turn me into a beautiful young maiden. I promise to pleasure you and make you feel as virile as a young stallion every day for the rest of your days!"

The old man doesn't reply. Instead, he goes inside and starts fixing dinner. The frog starts sounding desperate. "Mister, why are you ignoring me? I'm telling you, I'm a gorgeous babe with a hot body, and I'll let you do whatever you want to me if only you'll kiss me and turn me back into a human!"

The old man takes the frog out of his shirt pocket and sets it on the kitchen table. "Listen here, now, frog. I'm not ignoring you, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[McLOT]

Education system

Interesting presentation last night on dive medicine - unfortunately I had to dash off to a prior engagement and missed the end of it (indoor soccer and beers so can't complain too bitterly ). Work today.

Unless I missed the major points, I think the following captures present thinking.........


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

[dutch]

While I can't top McLot's last one, here goes...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9 year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet
to watch.

Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home. She hides her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the little boy and the lover
are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The man, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside, and have a game of catch! . The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes
the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.

 

[smash]

That reminds me of one of my favorites:

One night while a couple are asleep in bed, one of the woman's brain cells decides that she's going to find out for herself if all those things she's heard about male brain cells are true. So she breaks away from her colleagues, sneaks out the woman's ear, and carefully hikes across the pillow, in through the man's ear, and into the man's brain cavity.

It's very dark in there, and kind of cold, not at all like inside the woman's head where things are always fuzzy-wuzzy and touchy feely. The little female brain cells wanders around for awhile, but she doesn't hear anything and she can't see anything. It's like she's in a vaccuum, she can't even feel anything.

After a few moments in the darkness, she starts to feel a little frightened. She should have come across some of these male brain cells by now! Starting to panic, she rushes this way and that way. What if male brain cells are actually evil, and they're hiding in the shadows ready to jump out and torture her? She starts to regret taking this little adventure. What if male brain cells live in a completely different atmosphere from female ones, an atmosphere that's toxic to female brain cells? She's reeling now, bumping into various structures, turning in circles. She suddenly realizes she's completely lost with no idea how to get out of this male brain.

Exhausted and at wit's end, she sits down and tries to swallow the panic. Then faintly, off in the distance, she hears the sound of music, and dancing, like a party of some sort. Getting back up, the little female brain cell tries to follow the direction of the sound, but no matter which way she moves, it never seems to get any closer.

"Hello," she calls out. "Can anyone hear me?"

No answer.

"Hello?" she shouts a little louder. "Is anyone there?"

Again, no answer.

Feeling frustrated and worn out, she bellows out a final call. "HELLOOOOOOO!!!!! I'M LOST AND COLD! CAN ANYONE HELP ME?"

There's no answer.

Defeated, she starts to sit back down, but then a faint voice replies to her:

"HEY! WE'RE ALL HAVING A PARTY! COME ON DOWN HERE AND JOIN US!"

 

[Captain HardHead]

"HEY! WE'RE ALL HAVING A PARTY! COME ON DOWN HERE AND JOIN US!"

Waaaaayy down here.

 

[Captain HardHead]

Cartoon of the day ...

 

[McLOT]

Sex Chat Lines Now Open

all the way from Peterhead in Scotland!

 

[dutch]

Sounds like a good idea to me...

An Amerindian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee!"

Waiter: "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Amerindian a tall mug of coffee. The Amerindian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then just walks out.

The next morning the Amerindian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: "Want coffee!"

Waiter: "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Amerindian smiles and proudly says: "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of the day..."