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Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.
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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
- First Name
- Scott
Are you ready to have kids?
-Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish finger
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if
you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
- Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
- Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into
an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both
side of the car. There, perfect!
- Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try
not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them
for a while.
- Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
- Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
-Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish finger
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if
you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
- Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with
you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
- Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending
to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into
an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of
foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of
Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime.
Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both
side of the car. There, perfect!
- Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try
not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them
for a while.
- Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the
clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to
the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
- Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they
can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Pink Pirate
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Sharon
Pink Pirate
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Sharon
Children test
This is why I have pets
. You don't have to send them to college, if you go away for the weekend you can put them in the kennel, and in my dog's case she is happy to go. They never want to go shopping, they don't wear clothes, designer or otherwise. If they weren't fixed and they had offspring I could sell them.: Finally, they give you pure love and will never slam the door and say "I hate you" as you pay yet another fine, fee etc.
This is why I have pets
. You don't have to send them to college, if you go away for the weekend you can put them in the kennel, and in my dog's case she is happy to go. They never want to go shopping, they don't wear clothes, designer or otherwise. If they weren't fixed and they had offspring I could sell them.: Finally, they give you pure love and will never slam the door and say "I hate you" as you pay yet another fine, fee etc.
- First Name
- Roger
Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love! I am a DOVE I want to love! Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great ,but all the LOON would say is,I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK, so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was...well ..... you know .....
Scroll down.
No ...... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!! What an awful thing to think!
Scroll a little further
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love! I am a DOVE I want to love! Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great ,but all the LOON would say is,I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK, so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was...well ..... you know .....
Scroll down.
No ...... the DUCK didn't say THAT!!!!! What an awful thing to think!
Scroll a little further
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !
- First Name
- Scott
Irish Humor
Paddy was sitting outside the courthouse in his wheel chair after just
winning a $2,000,000.00 court case settlement from an accident that he had been in.
Just then the insurance claims adjuster walked up and said "Listen Paddy, I
know that you are faking this injury and I am going to be watching you every
day from now on, until I catch you walking".
"Is that so " said Paddy.
"Yes" said the adjuster. "So what are you going to do with your new fortune now?"
"Well I believe that the first thing I am going to do is take a trip." said Paddy.
"And where might you be going Paddy?" asked the adjuster.
"Lourdes." said Paddy.
.
Paddy was sitting outside the courthouse in his wheel chair after just
winning a $2,000,000.00 court case settlement from an accident that he had been in.
Just then the insurance claims adjuster walked up and said "Listen Paddy, I
know that you are faking this injury and I am going to be watching you every
day from now on, until I catch you walking".
"Is that so " said Paddy.
"Yes" said the adjuster. "So what are you going to do with your new fortune now?"
"Well I believe that the first thing I am going to do is take a trip." said Paddy.
"And where might you be going Paddy?" asked the adjuster.
"Lourdes." said Paddy.
.
- First Name
- Ryan
OKAY....maybe not a proper joke but damn funny and probably the most accurate movie review i have ever seen.
Ask A Ninja Reviews Pirates of the Caribbean 3
Ask A Ninja Reviews Pirates of the Caribbean 3
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Getting Old
You know you are getting old when your wife says lets run upstairs and make love and you say I can't do both
You know you are getting old when your wife says lets run upstairs and make love and you say I can't do both
- First Name
- Roger
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
"Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a good wife; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
- First Name
- Scott
Why God Loves Blondes
Only got a blonde joke today (the censorship police would block the other jokes )
A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
Only got a blonde joke today (the censorship police would block the other jokes
)A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
LATIN SEIZURES
Carpe Diem -- seize the day
Carpet Diem -- seize the carpet
Carpayment Diem -- seize the checkbook
Carpe Duh -- seize an idiot
Carp Diem -- fish of the day
Crampy Diem -- seize the Midol
Carpe Diet -- seize the rice cake
Carpal Diem -- seize the knuckles
Carpe Dig'Em -- seize the chips 'n dip
Carpe Carp -- seize the fish
Carpe Diem -- complain daily
Carpe Per Diem -- seize the check
Carpe Canem -- seize the dog
Carpe Devo -- seize the record
Carpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-O
Sharpei Diem -- seize the wrinkled dog
Carpe Diem -- seize the day
Carpet Diem -- seize the carpet
Carpayment Diem -- seize the checkbook
Carpe Duh -- seize an idiot
Carp Diem -- fish of the day
Crampy Diem -- seize the Midol
Carpe Diet -- seize the rice cake
Carpal Diem -- seize the knuckles
Carpe Dig'Em -- seize the chips 'n dip
Carpe Carp -- seize the fish
Carpe Diem -- complain daily
Carpe Per Diem -- seize the check
Carpe Canem -- seize the dog
Carpe Devo -- seize the record
Carpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-O
Sharpei Diem -- seize the wrinkled dog
- First Name
- Roger
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
The hinge and the Tea Pot
>>>Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
>>>hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
>>>
>>>At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
>>>she was waiting for John, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
>>>
>>>When John was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
>>>
>>>John replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
>>>
>>>"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then
>>>she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
>>>and John went to the back room to find it.
>>>
>>>From the back room John yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
>>>
>>>Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
>>>
>>>This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
>>>Charlie was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
>>>hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
>>>
>>>At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
>>>she was waiting for John, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
>>>
>>>When John was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
>>>
>>>John replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."
>>>
>>>"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then
>>>she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
>>>and John went to the back room to find it.
>>>
>>>From the back room John yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
>>>
>>>Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
>>>
>>>This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Pink Pirate
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Sharon
Pink Pirate
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Sharon
Pink Pirate
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Sharon
This is not really a joke, but I liked it.
The perfect summer day: The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the water is clear and warm and.....the lawn mower is broken
The perfect summer day: The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the water is clear and warm and.....the lawn mower is broken
- First Name
- Scott
Sportsmans Double
I pulled a mature woman at a club last night.
She was a very lively sort for 49, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome?
I said "No".
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"
I pulled a mature woman at a club last night.
She was a very lively sort for 49, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome?
I said "No".
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mom, you still awake?"