It's Friday, tell us a joke

[driftdiver]

Twenty-eight lines to make you smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the- room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[Blackhawksq]

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely.
The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?''

The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?''

The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song.

''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

 

[driftdiver]

Fishing

A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions. His first drop
began with a 65 lb Kingfish and the second produced a 20 lb snapper. On
the third drop he had just scored his first ever Yellowfin tuna when his
mobile phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the
intensive care unit.
>
>
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided
to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.
>
>
>
> He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his
best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his
wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
>
>
>
> He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and
kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife
has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"
>
>
>
> "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.
And you'll be her care giver!"
>
>
>
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
>
>
>
> The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead.
What'd you catch?"

 

[Captain HardHead]

A modern parable

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.
Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing
team was out-sourced to India .

 

[Captain HardHead]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

 

[divegrl]

Bbq Rules

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking
activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably
because there is an element of danger involved.



When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are
put into motion:



Routine...



(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.



Here comes the important part:



(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.



More routine....



(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.



Important again:



(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.



More routine....



(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.



And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

 

[Sushi Boy]

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from." she asks.

Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast."

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

 

[Captain HardHead]

"And Tigger?"

That has to be the funniest I've read in a long time. Way to go SB

 

[smash]

A young lawyer was rushing one morning to get dressed and get to court. As he was buttoning his shirt, his young daughter toddled into the room and shouted, "Daddy, lookit!" She was standing in the closet doorway still wearing her pink pajamas and holding out her hands.

In a hurry, but not wanting to ignore his little princess, the lawyer picked up his daughter, pretended to gobble up her hands and then tossed her up in the air until she was gleefully giggling. After giving her a big kiss on her round little cheek, he set her down on the bed and continued getting dressed.

As he was knotting his tie, though, he noticed that she was sitting quietly on the bed, looking at sadly at her fingers. "What's wrong honey?" he asked. "Is everything all right?"

She looked at her father mournfully, "What happened to the booger?"

 

[GWNDWN]

Need a new car stereo


[youtubevideo]8RbUKU1rCaE[/youtubevideo]

 

[driftdiver]

Scotch

On the first day of school, the children brought
Gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a
Bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the
Teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop
And asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy..
"It's a puppy

 

[Sushi Boy]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of a man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

 

[driftdiver]

Romantic Poems

Romantic poems

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which
respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that

the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.




1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;

Marrying you screwed up my life.


2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.


3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.


4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you because I was pissed.


5. I thought that I could love no other

that is, until I met your brother.


6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty,
and so is your head.


7. I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off your face.


8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?


11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[McLOT]

Ungrateful wife

The Ungrateful Wife

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom having sex with a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried.
"How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute Luv, so at least I can tell you what happened!"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!"

And he began...........

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion,
I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have
had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I
also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
exactly like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said ....

"Please..... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"


.

 

[smash]

Stealing this one from another board...

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

 

[Sushi Boy]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he
motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get away from me."

 

[Captain HardHead]

An elderly couple, Rusty and Ester live in Texas. Rusty always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Ester looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Rusty storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Ester looks up and says,'Rusty, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Rusty yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Ester?'

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S POINTING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Ester replies... Shoulda bought a hat, Rusty...shoulda bought a hat!'

 

[jamesw]

Patricia, I'm shocked! And quite pleased at your dirty joke. I fwd'd it to my offshore buddies of course...

 

[Captain HardHead]

Mix up

 

[McLOT]

Politically correct Nursery rhymes

or not.


Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a dimensionally-challenged-but-no-less-useful-to-society lamb,
Its fleece was as rainbow as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb chose to follow, out of its own free will
not because it felt compelled to by the mores of a patriarchal phallus-centred society that seeks dominance over non-human life forms.

Little Tea pot.
I'm a size challenged teapot, small in stature and generous of girth,
Here is my non-judgemental holding device and here is my non-pressurised, safety device enabled, fluid releasing orifice
When I feel temperature augmented and in need of external expression
then I exclaim in an elevated decibel, yet non-threatening verbal tone
Adjust my angle and release my non-caffineated, dairy free organic contents.

Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All of the equally valuable members of the community
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Three Blind Mice
3 visually impaired rodents
3 visually impaired rodents
see how they run, see how they run
they all ran after the agriculturalist's life partner
who in a non-aggressive way advised then they were invading her personal space
have you ever heard such a thing in your life as
3 visually impaired rodents.

Baa Baa Blank Sheep
Baa baa non-predominantly hued ruminant mammal,
Have you any delightful protective outer covering for sale at a fair and reasonable price?
Yes non-gender specific manager, yes non-gender specific manager,
three aged challenged females with slightly unfriendly personas full.
One for the non-gender specific manager,
one for his or her non-gender specific partner,
(not that there's anything wrong with that),
And one for the youthful non-gender specific, vertically challenged individual who lives down the lane.

Little Jack Horner
Vertically challenged Jack Horner
sat in the socially accepted timeout space
eating his highly nutritious, low fat, gluten free snack.
He stuck in his diametrically opposed digit
and pulled out a fruit of the P. domestica species
and said "What a good non female person of younger age, am I?"