Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
Quick .. Before it starts ....
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Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.
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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
- First Name
- Scott
Little Ralphy
LITTLE RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.'
LITTLE RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.'
- First Name
- Scott
It's tax season folks
(and another Ralphy joke)
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
(and another Ralphy joke)
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*ss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'
thermo
On the Wall at Some Key West Men's Room
- First Name
- John
Blonde Aggie (That's like a double wammy)
A young blonde Aggie woman in Rockport , Texas , was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the bay. She went down to
the docks and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'moff to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer,he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to Europe , and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the Port Aransas Ferry!"
A young blonde Aggie woman in Rockport , Texas , was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the bay. She went down to
the docks and was about to leap into the water when a handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'moff to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer,he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to Europe , and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said.
"This is the Port Aransas Ferry!"
Smoochy
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Trish
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a
"handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much
will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was
in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those
'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
iratewithhat:
as a
"handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much
will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was
in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those
'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"
iratewithhat:
- First Name
- Scott
Parent - Job description
POSITION : Mom, Mummy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
** AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT
POSITION : Mom, Mummy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
** AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
Nudist Colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day; I'm outta here!"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day; I'm outta here!"
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Department of health warning
Department of health warning
Department of health warning
Texafornian
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- John
Heaven Or Hell
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game
of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present
is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty
farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in
black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. "What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted.
So close to true..it's not really funny..
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter
at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can
choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle
of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with
him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game
of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present
is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty
farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in
black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable. "What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted.
So close to true..it's not really funny..
- First Name
- Roger
Sometimes you just have to ask yourself 'Will I live to be 80?'
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or tanning on the beach?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a shit?'
I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
'No,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or tanning on the beach?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
Then he looked at me and asked, 'Then why do you give a shit?'
- First Name
- Scott
Bank Robber
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
An Easter Funny ..
- First Name
- Scott
The engaged, the mistress and the married ones.
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto's and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me and he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready - leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'"
3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto's and mask over their eyes
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask.
He saw me and he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... He did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready - leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'"
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Yankee Diver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Jeff
For the Engineering Dorks out there like myself...
Yankee Diver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Jeff
One more...
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Redneck Ettiquette
In GENERAL
1.Never take a beer to a job interview
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, its time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise†the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years agoâ€Â
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00PM, others might say “Mondayâ€Â. If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A Leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky experience.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes†to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop. the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4, When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber when traveling in a funeral procession
In GENERAL
1.Never take a beer to a job interview
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, its time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise†the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years agoâ€Â
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00PM, others might say “Mondayâ€Â. If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A Leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky experience.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes†to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop. the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4, When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber when traveling in a funeral procession
- First Name
- Scott
Gunfighter Rules
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the
world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew
that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he
was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being
the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to
the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down
on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any
more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the
grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
The Old Timer said,
'No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna
shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all
greased!'
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the
world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew
that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he
was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being
the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to
the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great
ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down
on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44
and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any
more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the
grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
The Old Timer said,
'No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna
shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all
greased!'