It's Friday, tell us a joke

[texdiveguy]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...





Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends,
eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said that he was still there.

 

[cjdiver]

We all know the answer to this question...

None of the above.......

 

[Aqua Burro]

Mr. O’Malley was laying on his death-bed. Mrs. O’Malley was keeping a vigil. Mr. O’Malley, consumed by dyer’s remorse starts to confess.
Mr. O’Malley : Martha, I have to tell you. In 1996, I slept with your best friend.
Mrs. O’Malley: It’s OK honey, just take it easy and rest.
Mr. O’Malley: Martha, I have to tell you. In 1998 I slept with my secretary while on a busyness trip.
Mrs. O’Malley: It’s OK honey, you need to take it easy.
Mr. O’Malley: Martha, I have to tell you. In 2000 I slept with your sister.
Mrs. O’Malley: I know honey, take it easy and let the poison do its work…

 

[McLOT]

Buttercups And Golf Balls

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

 

[Captain HardHead]

A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before- rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's nothing on the tape but static."

The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."
> >

 

[driftdiver]

How to clean a toilet

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front doo r of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be
clean

 

[Captain HardHead]

A Coonass goes into a store and tells the clerk,

"I'd like some Boudin sausage."


The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you a Coonass?"


The Coonass, clearly offended, says,

"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you

ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,

would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you

ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask

if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"


The clerk says, "Well, no."


With deep self-righteous indignation,

the Coonass says, "Well, alright then,

why did you ask me if I'm a Coonass just because

I asked for boudin sausage?"


The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

 

[McLOT]

Navy Humor

Navy Humor

 

[McLOT]

Army Humor

Army Humor

 

[Aqua Burro]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and the two of them start doing shots. Soon, the giraffe starts to get inebriated and falls asleep on the floor. The man gets up and starts to leave. The bartender says, “Hay, ya’ can’t leave that Lyin’ there.” The man says, “Stupid bartender, it’s a giraffe… not at lion”

cheers MissTy!

 

[MissTy]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and the two of them start doing shots. Soon, the giraffe starts to get inebriated and falls asleep on the floor. The man gets up and starts to leave. The bartender says, “Hay, ya’ can’t leave that Lyin’ there.†The man says, “Stupid bartender, it’s a giraffe… not at lionâ€Â

cheers MissTy!

HAHAHA i love that joke.

 

[eddy]

I'm still smiling!

Could be because it's Lobster Weekend at Olympus...hehehe

This one rocks! Thanks Flipper!!!

Have a great weekend everyone

aarrrrR!!

N!!

 

[Swashbuckler]

A man must cross the freeway to get to work everyday. For years he does so, but one day, he's hit by a car and loses both arms and both legs. He survives, but now how does he get across the freeway?

(No, the answer's not that you're "stumped." I'll give you a clue: Take the F out of free and the F out of way.)

 

[Blackhawksq]

A man must cross the freeway to get to work everyday. For years he does so, but one day, he's hit by a car and loses both arms and both legs. He survives, but now how does he get across the freeway?

(No, the answer's not that you're "stumped." I'll give you a clue: Take the F out of free and the F out of way.)

disability insurance?

 

[Sushi Boy]

I'm thinkin' he takes "the Rolls"...

 

[Heidi Ho]

There is no 'effin' way

 

[Swashbuckler]

There is no 'effin' way

Right O, Heidi Ho! There is no "F" in "way."

 

[Heidi Ho]

I have many skills..........

 

[McLOT]

The raise

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."


Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."


Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did."

 

[ReefHound]

Bet she got the raise...