Pink Pirate
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Sharon
Despite what nutritionists say beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean-------Lean against the bar, lean against the car, lean against ugly people...
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Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.
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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
cjdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Ce
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT from scubaboard
Correction Charles' Law
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Charles' Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Charles' Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
Correction Charles' Law
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Charles' Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Charles' Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Senior Citizens
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that.You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream.I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a coke."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties is both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that.You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream.I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a coke."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
outback
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Neil
Statistics
We are sent statistics detailing the chances of an American soldier being fatally shot in Iraq. Apparently the rate is 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
Yet the firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80 per 100,000 citizens.
The conclusion, therefore, is that the US should pull out of Washington.
We are sent statistics detailing the chances of an American soldier being fatally shot in Iraq. Apparently the rate is 60 per 100,000 soldiers.
Yet the firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80 per 100,000 citizens.
The conclusion, therefore, is that the US should pull out of Washington.
Blackhawksq
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Robert
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''
''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.
''They called back.''
Blackhawksq
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Robert
Stole this from SD
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.
Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate."
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.
Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate."
dawnskies
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Angie
my darling husband.....
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
BE SURE AND SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
BE SURE AND SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders. The bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar..."
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up, goes into the bar and tries to order. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"
String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up, goes into the bar and tries to order. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"
String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..."
- First Name
- Roger
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank .â€Â
Passenger: 'Who?â€Â
Cabbie: “ Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.â€Â
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.â€Â
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf w ith the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.â€Â
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.â€Â
Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.â€Â
Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.â€Â
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank , he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.â€Â
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you me him?â€Â
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank . I just married his widow.â€Â
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank .â€Â
Passenger: 'Who?â€Â
Cabbie: “ Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.â€Â
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.â€Â
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf w ith the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.â€Â
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.â€Â
Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.â€Â
Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.â€Â
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank , he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.â€Â
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you me him?â€Â
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank . I just married his widow.â€Â
- First Name
- Scott
Scottish Humor
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Missus, hiv ye got onny books aboot suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says,
"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"
.
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Missus, hiv ye got onny books aboot suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says,
"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"
.
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, 'the daughter said
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress?
But you're naked!'
'My husband loves me to wear this dress, ' she explained.
'When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress, ' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing, ' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
His funeral will be held Thursday.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work, 'the daughter said
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress?
But you're naked!'
'My husband loves me to wear this dress, ' she explained.
'When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic.'
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress, ' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing, ' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
His funeral will be held Thursday.
divingmedic
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Daniel
One Sunday the devil appears at a church, everyone runs out screaming, all except one old man. The devil sits down next to the old man and ask's him, Do you know who I am, the old mans says yes of course I do. The devil then ask's him, are you afaid of me? The old man says no. Then ask's him why not? The old man says. because I have been married to your sister for 68 years!
divingmedic
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Daniel
Three pregnant women are sitting the doctors office. One is a red head, one brunnette and the other a blond. The red head turns to the brunnette and tells the brunnette "I am having a boy", the brunnette says "how do you know?", the red head says "he was on top when I got pregnant". The brunnette tells the red head "I am going to have a girl", the red head ask's her " how do you know", the brunnette says "I was on top when I got pregnant." The blonde starts bawling, the get ask her why she is crying and the blonde cries out "I am going to have puppies"
Captain HardHead
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Doug
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with
his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they
say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and
let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she
spent the night with him. The next morning she
handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm
real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that
fit.
his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they
say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and
let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she
spent the night with him. The next morning she
handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm
real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."
"Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that
fit.
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Six retired Cajuns were playing poker in the hunting camp when Ray Fontenot loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.
Boo Doucet looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"? They draw straws. Boudreaux picks the short one.
They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet"? he says. Me I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."
So, Boudreaux goes over to the Ray Fontenot's house and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Boudreaux declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.
"I'll go tell him," says Boudreaux
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.
Boo Doucet looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"? They draw straws. Boudreaux picks the short one.
They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet"? he says. Me I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."
So, Boudreaux goes over to the Ray Fontenot's house and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Boudreaux declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" she yells.
"I'll go tell him," says Boudreaux
- First Name
- Scott
Ecumenical Spirit
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
'Your Holiness' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world'.
The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, 'Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?'
'None who plays golf very well,' a Cardinal replied. 'But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match.'
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 'This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,' said the golfer.
'Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus', said the Pope.
'Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.'
'How can there be bad news?' the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, 'I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.'
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
'Your Holiness' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world'.
The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, 'Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?'
'None who plays golf very well,' a Cardinal replied. 'But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match.'
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 'This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,' said the golfer.
'Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus', said the Pope.
'Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.'
'How can there be bad news?' the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, 'I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.'