It's Friday, tell us a joke

[driftdiver]

An old southern Baptist country preacher had a teenage son, and it was
>getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a
profession.
>Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
>and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
>
>One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an
>experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
>four objects: - a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and -
a
>Playboy magazine
>
>
>"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"and
>when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he
>picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
>what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going
to
>be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the
>bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame
>that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's
>gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
>
>The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
>entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed
his
>books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
>objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
>inspect them.
>
>Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
>up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
>bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
>
>"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
>be a Congressman.

 

[Sushi Boy]

___

 

[Heidi Ho]

Procrastination

Love It!!!!!!!!

 

[driftdiver]

Aunt Nancy

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
> > tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
> > The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their
> > stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
> > "Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt
> > Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
> > "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small
> > flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
> > "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her
> > parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of
> > them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the
> > knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her
> > bare hands."
> > "Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your
> > daddy give you from this horrible story?"
> >
> > "Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

 

[McLOT]

One for all those business-types out there

check the name of the dingy first

 

[dutch]

check the name of the dingy first

that's funny as hell!!!

 

[driftdiver]

Can you get married in heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

 

[AVID]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, "Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?"

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

 

[Sushi Boy]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was early spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie

 

[McLOT]

A job with the Municipal Authority

A guy goes to Houston Municipal Authority (or "Council" - yep this is a UK joke ) to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him:
"Have you been in the armed services?"

"Yes" he says "I served in the Middle East."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes ... a land mine blew my n*ts off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00 AM. To 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

"This is a Municipal Authority job" the interviewer replies.
"For the first two hours we sit around scratching our b*lls, no point you coming in for that........"

 

[driftdiver]

Funnies

Never take life too seriously...no one gets out alive anyway.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby? They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe'.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say a bad word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale begins
'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

[thermo]

I can always tell on Fridays when everyone is starting to get liquored up when all posting activity goes flat. Another weekend has arrived.

 

[eddy]

I can always tell on Fridays when everyone is starting to get liquored up when all posting activity goes flat. Another weekend has arrived.

ugh...

Or when they are so tired from working in their dive shop that they don't have the creativity to type. I just hate festivals. How did I end up in a festival town? I could write an entire chapter just on todays expereinces.

But on the brighter side....

I'll be diving soon!!

 

[driftdiver]

Towel Heads

Recently I received a warning
about the use of this politically
incorrect term, so please note:
We all need to be more sensitive
in our choice of words. I have been
informed that the Islamic terrorists,
who hate our guts and want to kill us,
do not like to be called "Towel Heads"
since the item they wear on their heads is not
actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward,
please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."
Thank you for your support and
compliance on this delicate matter.

 

[driftdiver]

None since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Sushi Boy]

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.
What do they call it in Kentucky?
Life Styles of the Rich & Famous.

~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

~~~~~

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

~~~~~


Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teethbrush.

~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

~~~~~

What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.

 

[McLOT]

Sports and Politics

The Olympic ideal........

 

[thermo]

Baby oil is no good as a unit of exchange.

I just learned on Letterman last night that the Equator is so long it can circle the Earth once. I know it's not Friday any more, but that seemed important.

 

[McLOT]

Voted best joke in Ireland 2006

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the
teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad
says it will take the contagious."

 

[Sushi Boy]

___