dutch
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- John
-
Join us for 3rd Thursday with CHUM on May 21st. We'll be meeting at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT. You're welcome to come enjoy it with other CHUMmers at Jake's. More details to follow.
-
2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on May 10th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
-
Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
-
For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
-
CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
-
Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
-
Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
Blackhawksq
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Robert
- First Name
- Roger
just beastly
660 Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/666 Beast Common Denominator
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
Beast1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Postcode of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Target price of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666I BMW of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbour of the Beast
660 Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
/666 Beast Common Denominator
1010011010 Binary of the Beast
Beast1-666 Area code of the Beast
00666 Postcode of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 Price of the Beast plus sales tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Target price of the Beast
Route 666 Way of the Beast
666F Oven temperature for roast Beast
666mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Netscape 6.66 BetaBrowser of the Beast
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666I BMW of the Beast
668 Next-door neighbour of the Beast
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Blonde Football
Football FINALLY makes sense.................. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Football FINALLY makes sense.................. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
- First Name
- Ryan
Headlines from the Future
"Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut."
"Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights."
"Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs."
"85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss."
"Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only"
"Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage."
"Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. "
"Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock."
"Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut."
"Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights."
"Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs."
"85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss."
"Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only"
"Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage."
"Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. "
"Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock."
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Silence! I Kill You!
Another Good Laugh
Another Good Laugh
- First Name
- Scott
As winter kicks in - warm diving available in Australia
I wish.
For the travellers......
AUSTRALIA – THE CONFUSING COUNTRY
This gem is by Douglas Adams (of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fame).
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs, which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of Geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight†providing that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won’t go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay it builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behavior. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think “Ho! My hole is collapsing!†at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, cause by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, the reasons for being, and the necessity of checking your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are French. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and proudly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Ozâ€Â, “Godzone†(a verbal contraction of “Gods own Countryâ€Â) and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.†The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australian’s don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to “So howdya’ like our country, eh?†is “Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!â€Â
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pubâ€Â, to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian Sayings
“G’dayâ€Â
“Its better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stickâ€Â
“She’ll be rightâ€Â
And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around the Overflow the reedbeds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The man from Snowy River is a household word to-day,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.
Tips to Surviving Australia
Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Thick socks.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist-fight.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several liters of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that is unwise to ignore.
See Also: “Deserts – How to die in themâ€Â, “The Stick: Second most useful thing ever†and “Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia†Volumes 1-42.
I wish.
For the travellers......
AUSTRALIA – THE CONFUSING COUNTRY
This gem is by Douglas Adams (of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fame).
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs, which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of Geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the “Great Australian Bight†providing that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can’t spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won’t go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay it builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behavior. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think “Ho! My hole is collapsing!†at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don’t talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter’s tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all ‘typical’ Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) – whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick. Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, cause by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, the reasons for being, and the necessity of checking your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are French. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the ‘grass is greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome, and proudly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land “Ozâ€Â, “Godzone†(a verbal contraction of “Gods own Countryâ€Â) and “Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth.†The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australian’s don’t care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to “So howdya’ like our country, eh?†is “Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!â€Â
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ‘adopt’ you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with “It’s his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pubâ€Â, to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian Sayings
“G’dayâ€Â
“Its better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stickâ€Â
“She’ll be rightâ€Â
And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around the Overflow the reedbeds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The man from Snowy River is a household word to-day,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.
Tips to Surviving Australia
Don’t ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Thick socks.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fist-fight.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several liters of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that is unwise to ignore.
See Also: “Deserts – How to die in themâ€Â, “The Stick: Second most useful thing ever†and “Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia†Volumes 1-42.
L
Lisa0825
Guest
This came to my inbox yesterday... heh heh heh
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . .. .
(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
“let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . .. .
(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
“let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
- First Name
- Roger
A Tennessee Mountain Woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home, she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.
"Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose."
- First Name
- Scott
Old Jewish Man
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a
long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.
'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
'For about 60 years.'
'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'
'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'
'Like I'm talking to a f*ck*ng wall.'
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a
long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
'Morris Fishbein,' he replied.
'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'
'For about 60 years.'
'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'
'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.'
'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'
'Like I'm talking to a f*ck*ng wall.'
- First Name
- Roger
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carol's."
outback
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Neil
Shouldn't that be the other way around?
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
His & Hers
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid
thermo
On the Wall at Some Key West Men's Room
- First Name
- John
Free Diving Funny
Can't remember if I've seen this on the board before, but here it is anyhow for a laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcI-LrxcqPM&feature=related
Can't remember if I've seen this on the board before, but here it is anyhow for a laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcI-LrxcqPM&feature=related
driftdiver
Nurse Shark
- First Name
- Wayne
Sharing Christmas Family Cookie Recipe
Jose Cuervo
Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
Jose Cuervo
Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !
The guys were all at deer camp.
They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl
shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night '
Get'er done
They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what
happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night.'
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl
shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night '
Get'er done