It's Friday, tell us a joke

[McLOT]

So - Thinking About Retiring To Alaska??

(I haven't seen this joke for about ten years - read on......)


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door.
He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."

"Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"


"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us"

 

[Sushi Boy]

___

 

[cjdiver]

What are you going to do.... Bleed on me

Link to Episode 3.5

 

[Sushi Boy]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

 

[Captain HardHead]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1.. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

 

[cjdiver]

Always brings a smile....

 

[driftdiver]

The older generation

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.



About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying,

'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'



The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.



One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!

Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'



Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.



The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several

times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'



Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you

guess?'



Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison--





'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

 

[Sushi Boy]

For our Star Wars fans

You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wing fighters is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a red wood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ..."

 

[GWNDWN]

One for Booty

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

****************************************************************************
**********************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

****************************************************************************
************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

****************************************************************************
**********************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little
Fokker in sight."



****************************************************************************
************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

****************************************************************************
***********************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."


****************************************************************************
************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Luft hansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"



****************************************************************************
************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after
we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and ye
s,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

****************************************************************************
*************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 la nded. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make
it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************
**** ********************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Spee dbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
G round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

****************************************************************************
*********************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew,
scre aming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get
it right!"


Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It 'll take forever
to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown
pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
married
to you once?"

 

[McLOT]

New Year Resolution

(no - I don't get up this early, I'm logged in from the U.K.)

My new 2008 philosophy:

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it.
P*ss on it and walk away.

 

[Sushi Boy]

I saw this on Yahoo with the title "Polar bear cub gets name".

Look like anyone you know?

 

[Captain HardHead]

Quote of the day

 

[cjdiver]

Not a joke, but still a funny story.....

We are now a two cat, 1 dog family and here's how that happened.

Over Christmas break, we got in the habit of taking our dog out for a walk in the evening. One night this friendly white and tan cat follows us for our 3 - 4 block walk. Comes right up to us, rubs up against us and the dog, calm, friendly - Nice cat. Next night same thing, cat follows us to our doorstep. Our youngest son Ben, notices no collar and decides cat is lost or stray and that we should feed the cat, no problem, we have 1 cat already, already got the food, we set out a dish on the front porch.

One night the temp is supposed to drop to almost 30, Ben insists we put a box with a towel on the porch to keep the kitty from freezing. Ben makes sure we know how nice the cat is. How freindly the cat is. how healthy the cat looks now that he's getting regular meals. I come home from work, first thing I hear from Ben is how sweet that cat is.

Now Ben is a determined kid, once he sets his mind to something, it's gonna happen. So Ben is giving frequent briefings on the cat, and I agree the cat is a nice cat. One day Ben greets me at the door for my daily cat briefing and the first thing he says is you know this cat smells so good. I have never smelled a cat that smelled this good, you gotta smell this cat.

I rolling my eyes at this point, I look at Ben and say - Boy I know you like this cat and I know you want us to keep this cat, but you're really reaching when you say this cat smells great. No Dad, I mean it, you have got to smell this cat, he smell great, you have never smelled anything as good as this cat. And you what, This cat smells great. He does. So we adopted this cat, his name is Dulce de Leche, named after the caramel and vanilla ice cream that his fur resembles. So now when friends ask us whats up, what's new, etc... We tell them we adopted a cat over Christmas, and invite them to come over and smell our cat.....

No Kidding!! No fooling. You've got to smell this cat. This cat smells so great, you won't beleive how great this cat smells......

 

[driftdiver]

Recent Study

A recent study found that the average American male
walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found
That the average American male drinks an average of
22 gallons of beer per year. That means that the
average American male gets approximately 41 miles per
gallon. That's not bad

 

[McLOT]

Swearing at work

no cussing - right?!


It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

 

[Captain HardHead]

Why You Never Question A Drunk

I was shopping at the local super market where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee, and

A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you are absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied: "Cause you're ugly."

 

[McLOT]

Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[Texafornian]

Harleys

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to Heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur: "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one
who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's
me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke.
"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah yes"
"Well" said Arthur. "Professional to professional, you too have some
design flaws in your invention".
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there", replies God, "Hold on".
God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed" God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours".

 

[AVID]

I saw this on Yahoo with the title "Polar bear cub gets name".

Look like anyone you know?

Yeah, it actually kinda looks like my dog, Remy.
But I suppose it looks like Wet as well. If the polar bear cub had a Shiner bottle in between her paws I could see more similarities.

 

[Sushi Boy]

Primarily funny...

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a very long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God!," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"