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Hump Day Humor

Discussion in 'Mind-less Babel' started by Captain HardHead, Oct 25, 2006.

  1. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    images.jpg

    Thanksgiving - the only holiday where we eat the mascot.
     
  2. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    What We Learn From the Movies

    It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.

    A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

    It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.

    No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

    Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.​
     
  3. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

    SUPPLIES!
     
  4. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

    A labracadabrador.
     
    dutch likes this.
  5. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office because that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.

    On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

    Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

    Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

    He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

    The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

    Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
     
  6. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    download.jpg

    Word to your mother.....
     
  7. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    We'll We'll We'll...

    if it isn't autocorrect
     
  8. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    What type of decompression illness do very wealthy divers get?

    Mercedes Bends
     
    Siren likes this.
  9. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “An ambulance just drove by!” “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike!” “Looks like the Sanders are moving!” “Jason is on his skateboard!”

    After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!” Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
     
    Siren likes this.
  10. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    Got my picture taken with R.E.M. the other day...

    that's me in the corner.
     
    Sushi Boy likes this.
  11. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    An Irishman was drinking in a pub in London when he got a call on his cell phone.

    He ordered drinks for everybody in the bar as he announced his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the man just shrugs and says, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."

    Two weeks later the man returned to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The father took a slow swig from his Jameson Irish Whisky, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said, "Had him circumcised."
     
    DivingDoug likes this.
  12. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

  13. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your di¢k is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
     
  14. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is.
     
    Sushi Boy likes this.
  15. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."

    The bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a b***j**. I suggest you try the same." After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves.

    The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please." The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"

    The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."
     
  16. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    A day early....

    Why did the crab cross the road?

    Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.
     
  17. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

    Whatdya call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

    Phillipe Phillope.
     
  18. Heidi Ho

    Heidi Ho Grand Pooh Staff Member

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