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Two for the Price of One
Join us for 3rd Thurs With CHUM on June 18st at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT at Jake's Sports Bar or Zoom. We will be joined by Jenny Stock from NOAA's Greater Farallones and Cordell Bank National Marine Sanctuaries! More details at this link. -
2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
What We Learn From the Movies
It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office because that was too open. He considered an alley but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “An ambulance just drove by!” “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike!” “Looks like the Sanders are moving!” “Jason is on his skateboard!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!” Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “An ambulance just drove by!” “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike!” “Looks like the Sanders are moving!” “Jason is on his skateboard!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!” Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
An Irishman was drinking in a pub in London when he got a call on his cell phone.
He ordered drinks for everybody in the bar as he announced his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the man just shrugs and says, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returned to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father took a slow swig from his Jameson Irish Whisky, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said, "Had him circumcised."
He ordered drinks for everybody in the bar as he announced his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the man just shrugs and says, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returned to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father took a slow swig from his Jameson Irish Whisky, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said, "Had him circumcised."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow. Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your di¢k is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a b***j**. I suggest you try the same." After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves.
The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please." The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."
The bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a b***j**. I suggest you try the same." After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves.
The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please." The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."
