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Two for the Price of One
Join us for 3rd Thurs With CHUM on June 18st at the usual time of 7:30 pm CT at Jake's Sports Bar or Zoom. We will be joined by Jenny Stock from NOAA's Greater Farallones and Cordell Bank National Marine Sanctuaries! More details at this link. -
2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
Hump Day Humor
- Thread starter Captain HardHead
- Start date
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
When do you need to practice better buoyancy control?
a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.
a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight with your buddy.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
- There are only 10 types of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don’t.
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates.
- Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- CAPS LOCK – Preventing Login Since 1980.
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A drunk weaving out of a bar spots a minister walking past and immediately announces to him that he is Jesus Christ. The minister tries to calm him down by telling him he is mistaken, but the drunk is adamant.
"Here, I can prove it to you," he says, taking the minister by the arm and leading him into the bar he has just left.
The barman looks up and says: "Jesus Christ. Not you again."
"Here, I can prove it to you," he says, taking the minister by the arm and leading him into the bar he has just left.
The barman looks up and says: "Jesus Christ. Not you again."
- First Name
- Todd
[This is the original text. Ladies, just reverse the genders.]
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!
Heidi Ho
CHUM Fan
- First Name
- Holly
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.