Hump Day Humor

[Heidi Ho]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[Heidi Ho]

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing, it was on the house.

 

[Sushi Boy]

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?


Nothing, it was on the house.

Echo...echo...echo...

 

[Heidi Ho]

haha, was that a Friday joke??? It was bound to happen sooner or later that the threads would collide...funny.

 

[Heidi Ho]

Just heard that in 2019 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech.

I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

 

[Heidi Ho]

A man walks into a store that sells sexy, sheer lingerie. The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

 

[Heidi Ho]

I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend; turns out he was seeing someone else on the side.

 

[Heidi Ho]

I had a hen who could count her own eggs; she was a mathamachicken

 

[Heidi Ho]

A man loses his to in an unfortunate accident and he calls 911. They rush him to the hospital, where he is brought to the operating room for surgical reattachment. He wakes up some hours later in the recovery room and sees the doctor waiting at the foot of his bed, looking uncomfortable.

“Doctor? How’d it go?” he asked.

“Well... I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we confused your toe with a piece of candy. The good news is that the surgery was successful.”

“What are you saying, doctor?”

“You have a Tic-Tac toe.”

 

[Heidi Ho]

I need another giggle today...

 

[Heidi Ho]

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "I just joined the VFW!"

 

[Heidi Ho]

I left my ex boyfriend because of his obsession with counting.....

I wonder what he's up to now

 

[Heidi Ho]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....

I'll let you know.

 

[Heidi Ho]

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

 

[Heidi Ho]

I was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said, 'well, I don't know about that but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try"

 

[Heidi Ho]

A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

 

[Heidi Ho]

So there was this guy, yeah?
He wakes up in the middle of the night, sees an angel standing at the foot of his bed.
Angel says, "Hey, man! Yeah... hate to tell you this, but, um... it's your, uh... time. Yeah."
Dude's all like, "Wait, what? Whaddya mean it's 'my time'?"
Angel says, "Oh, you know... it's, um... your time."
Dude's like "Wait, you mean, like, time to die?!"
Angel's like, "Um... yeah! That."
Dude starts freakin' out, and he's all like, "No no, please no! Come on bro, I got a wife, I got kids, I got a life to live! I can't die yet!"
Angel says, "Look man, I feel for you. Really I do, but if They say it's your time, then I can't really do anything ab-"
Dude cuts him off all like, "Ah, come on bro, please... I'll take anything you got, I just don't want to die yet."
Angel thinks for a hot second, then says, "...alright man. I guess there is one thing I can do."
Dude's all like, "What is it!? I'll take anything, man."
Angel says, "Welp. It's been a while, and it's a little wonky, but..."
Angel clears his throat, continues, "...I can bring you back as either a dog, or a chicken. Best I can do."
Dude thinks about this in his head, "well, if I'm a dog, I gotta be somebody's pet, or guard, or guide, or mystery meat. Nah, I don't want that. But hey, if I'm a chicken, I can chillax at some farm on the quiet countryside... yeah, that sounds more my speed."
Dude's all like, "Well, if I have to choose one, I guess I choose to be the chicken."
Angel's all like, "alright, cool." and snaps his fingers.
POOF!
Dude is suddenly a chicken at some random farm, and sees a bunch of other chickens clucking around the farmyard.
Dude's all like, "Um.... hey, wassup everybody."
This random chicken (which I will, from here on, refer to as "Hype Chicken") is all like,
"WhAT! WHAt!?!?! We gOt a NEw chicKeN iN the cOOP!!!!!"
All the other chickens are all like, "WOOT!!!!"
Dude's like, "Um, yeah..."
He then points at himself and chuckles,
"So, yeah. First time being a chicken, so... what exactly am I supposed to do as a chicken?"
Hype chicken's all like, "dude, Dude. ALL you have to do as a chicken is, like, lay eggs. That's, like, it."
Dude's like, "Alright, cool. How exactly do I do that?"
Hype chicken's all like, "Dude, like, all you have to do is, like, push, and the egg will pop right out, yeah. You got this!"
Dude's all like, "K. I got this, here goes."
He pushes, and boom. Egg pops right out.
Hype chicken's all like, "woah, WHAt!?! WhAt!?!?!!?! DUDE. JUST. LAID. HIS. FIRST. EGG!!!!! WOOT!!!!!!!"
The rest of the chickens join in with a solid, "WOOT!!!!!!"
Hype chicken's like, "dude, DUDE. You should, like, totally go for your second one! Yeah? Yeah."
Dude's under pressure and everything, but still all like, "Alright, yeah, I gotchu fam. Here goes."
He pushes, and he pushes, and boom. Second egg pops right out.
Hype chicken flips out all like, "WoAh, wHAt?!?! whAAAAt?!?!?!!?!?!? DUDE JUST LAID HIS SECOND EGG!!!! wOooOOoT!!!!!
Hype chicken is joined the second time by the other chickens with a resounding, "WOOT!!!!!"
Hype chicken then abruptly goes silent, causing all the others to do to the same.
"Dude."
Hype chicken, with a look that portrays pride, hope, and determination, stands for a moment, and then quietly continues.
"Go for your THIRD."
The chickens make a circle, encompassing the dude and Hype chicken.
What begins as a soft whisper, escalates into mighty, unified shout with a thundering rhythm.
"third, Third, THird! THIrd! THIRd!, THIRD! THIRD!! THIRD!!!"
Dude doesn't want to let his new friends down, so he takes a deep breath, and stands tall.
He pushes,
And he pushes,
And he pushes,
And
Boom.
Third egg pops right out.
"WOOOOOOoooOOOOoooOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hype chicken and the rest are fluttering everywhere, freaking out, and wooting like nobody's business.
Dude's just standing there.
Taking it all in.
He's feeling the love.
He's feeling the hype.
When, all of a sudden,
He hears a voice,
Screaming
In his ear.....

"AH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, GEORGE.

QUIT CRAPPIN' THE BED!!!!!"

 

[JPipes]

Forgot your pony bottle? Stop by Specs.

 

[Heidi Ho]

Just spent $300 on a limo and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver....

Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it

 

[Heidi Ho]

What do you call a blowjob from a compulsive liar?

Fallacio