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2nd Sunday w/ CHUM
Join us for 2nd Sunday with CHUM on June 14th at 10:00am CT on Bowling Beach at Blue Lagoon! More details at this link. -
CHUM stickers are here! Put one on your scuba tank, your gear box, your car, your forehead. See a club officer to get yours.
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Become a full fledged CHUM member by paying only $35/year to become a Tiger Shark, pay for trips or even pick up an extra CHUM T-shirt or CHUM patch here: CHUM Payments.
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For CHUM's list of greater Houston area dive shops, dive sites, and dive charter operators see this link.
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CHUM - Houston's SCUBA Club is the sponsor of the Texas SCUBA Diver license plate. Get yours at MyPlates.com!
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Stream2Sea! Great products that are good for humans and the reef. Use the affiliate link below or check out with coupon code “chumrocks” and get 10% off your purchase. Click this CHUM affiliate link to order your products.
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Follow CHUM on these platforms to keep up with what the club has going on Facebook, Instagram, Scubaboard, and YouTube.
And for Texas Dive Plates: TDP Facebook and TDP Instagram.
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Questions, suggestions, want to lead a CHUM trip or learn about the CHUM officers? Contact us: Your CHUM Board of Directors.
It's Friday, tell us a joke
- Thread starter Sushi Boy
- Start date
- First Name
- Roger
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
- First Name
- Roger
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components."
Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says, "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says, "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I sh*t. You knot."
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components."
Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says, "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says, "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says "I sh*t. You knot."
- First Name
- Roger
An Aggie doctor can’t find a job in a hospital, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."
A UT law grad thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Aggie: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Aggie: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Aggie: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Aggie: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Aggie: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”
Aggie: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
A UT law grad thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Aggie: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Aggie: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."
Aggie: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Aggie: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Aggie: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”
Aggie: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
- First Name
- Roger
Customer: Hi... I... uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: Protection?
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?
Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $5.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!
Pharmacist: Protection?
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?
Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $5.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!
- First Name
- Roger
One day up in heaven St. Peter asks Jesus for a favor. "Jesus, I have to run an errand with the angels for a bit. Can you watch the gate of heaven for me?"
"Sure Pete. What do I have to do?" Jesus asks.
St. Peter replies, "When the souls come up here wanting entrance, ask about them, check them out carefully, make sure they're really worthy of entrance into heaven."
Jesus tells St. Peter not to worry he's got it covered. So there's Jesus watching the gate of heaven. Soon after, an old soul comes up and Jesus greets him. "Welcome, how may I help you?"
The old soul mentions wanting entrance to heaven. Jesus asks who he is.
"Well in my former life I was a carpenter."
Jesus is intrigued.
"Tell me, did you have a family?" Jesus asks.
The old soul replies "Well I had a son but I lost him earlier in life."
Jesus asks about his son.
"Oh he was a great wonderful boy! He brought joy and peace and love to everyone he met!"
Now Jesus is more intrigued and asks to know more about his son.
"Well, he had holes in both hands and both his feet."
Hearing this Jesus looks closely at the old man and says "Father??"
And the old man looks at Jesus and says...
"Pinocchio??"
"Sure Pete. What do I have to do?" Jesus asks.
St. Peter replies, "When the souls come up here wanting entrance, ask about them, check them out carefully, make sure they're really worthy of entrance into heaven."
Jesus tells St. Peter not to worry he's got it covered. So there's Jesus watching the gate of heaven. Soon after, an old soul comes up and Jesus greets him. "Welcome, how may I help you?"
The old soul mentions wanting entrance to heaven. Jesus asks who he is.
"Well in my former life I was a carpenter."
Jesus is intrigued.
"Tell me, did you have a family?" Jesus asks.
The old soul replies "Well I had a son but I lost him earlier in life."
Jesus asks about his son.
"Oh he was a great wonderful boy! He brought joy and peace and love to everyone he met!"
Now Jesus is more intrigued and asks to know more about his son.
"Well, he had holes in both hands and both his feet."
Hearing this Jesus looks closely at the old man and says "Father??"
And the old man looks at Jesus and says...
"Pinocchio??"